9:32 p.m. - 05/30/03
ban pomp and circumstance? check.
The past few days, life is starting to seem like a bunch of little things that do or don't work out. Sleeping works out temporarily, but its engine puffs to a stop after six hours. Running on six hours works for awhile, and then suddenly something inside me stumbles, jerks, and I feel the need to stop (and then consciously begin) breathing. I lie down. Lying down works a little, but stops working when I start to fall asleep, with finals less than an hour away. Getting back up works until it means not being able to sleep after the final, which eventually concedes to a nap, which works well all-around. Feeling capable and almost-confident I sign onto AIM, only to find that none of the people who hassle me about how rarely I sign on are themselves on-line. (Grr.) I end up in a conversation with my oldest brother, which almost works out because I realize I'm not at all scared of him. I'm perfectly capable of making jokes and talking like a regular person, and even if it is only on-line and with a brother, that's something. Plus he's asking me about the graduation present no Lastname child ever thought to dream of...(maybe those sorts of dreams are reserved for Braves.) So that works out, mostly, too.
A few months ago, my mom decided to purchase a better computer, since she's starting her own business and needed a lot we don't have on this machine. I was told that the cast-off she was upgrading from could replace the attractive plastic paperweight on my own desk. However, her computer needs ended up being pricier than expected, and the plan didn't ever materialize. A couple weeks ago, while discussing graduation celebration plans, I said something about funds for partying and funds for prizes (I have got to stop feeling selfish about gifts; so many normal people get gifts...*eeg*), and she said she had some ideas about the latter, which in mom-speak usually means I'm going to end up with some introduction-to-Tarot / square-dancing kit or a copy of Chicken Soup for the Pagan's Soul. so I just put the vibe out there that what I actually would want in terms of presents was a cd burner, and low and behold, I'm getting a computer. a real computer that will work (and not be slow like this one because we'll be in the city and have dsl.) with a cd burner. and I think I'm going to die of shock.
to put this in context, some actual gifts received by the Lastname children over the years: salt-and-pepper shakers, Jerry Springer's "Too Hot For TV" video, wooden doll heads on rods, movies that even the actors in the movies haven't heard of, and numerous rice-cookers for people who don't cook rice. I have a feeling this positive trend may be one of the things that works for me.
I'm not so sure about the celebration yet. I think we're going to find an arcade (where vicious air hockey games can ensue) and perhaps a park where we can screw around for awhile. I've done everything in this area so many times, it's almost as boring as D!@#$%^ itself. And I can't have a party because no one I care about (outside of family) lives within a two-hour radius, and if I set it up within an hour's drive of N*land, I'd have to do it at a restaurant or something stupid that wouldn't be fun for me. so air hockey and park-hopping, I suppose. I'm such a crazy kid when I get going.
none of the preceding paragraph is meant to imply that I have actually come to terms with what is supposedly happening next week. I mean, I'm not remorsing about the issue or anything, but I'm still freaked. it doesn't seem possible that getting out can be this easy, when I've been trapped so long. and with post-next-week so blurry, it's a bit much. I think I'll focus on the three remaining finals and forget that this semester is different than before it. avoidance works for me right now. there's enough pain without trodding into ambiguous territory where I might find more.
the card at the store yesterday said, "don't just stand there with your diploma ...run before they take it back!" I think that's how I feel for the moment. it's going to fall apart. teachers from Neverland are going to corner my current teachers and tell them all of my horrible crimes and by the time I go into meet them on Wednesday, I'll have two bloodthirsty faculties staring me down. ...so maybe I'm getting a little nervous about this meeting? maybe. but the only people I really want to meet I know I'm going to like and be liked by (my physics and diversity teachers.) so let's just try and keep the calm, ok?
eeg. sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe so often, I'd swear I'm in Lamaze.
with only three finals remaining-
the chordling
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