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10:38 p.m. - 09/27/03
sticks and stones and words that stuck to me like ticks.
oy.

today bore definite relation to last Saturday (the day from hell), though objectively I suppose it was much better. another hard day, though, and when enough hard days are strung together, even the less hard ones start to grate on a person. last night I had (almost) nothing but nightmares, wherein Chas and people with whom I had similar relationships were uncharacteristically mean to me. I walked with my mom to a rather pathetic (but nearby) branch of the library, and got harrassed by some all-dick-and-no-dignity idiot. something about how the price of my ass went up in these pants, bitch. I held onto it a lot longer than I'd like to say I did; I may still be holding onto it now. at the time, I fumed a little, but mostly laughed it off. "city initiation; I officially live here." later, I imagined pulverizing the creep, eventually graduating the fantasies from besting (beating) him physically by doing so verbally. I do need a system for doing this, though. I need to learn a way through my fear so I can respond to this and not feel so powerless. I don't want to be hateful because that just wears me down; I know that from the whole Stewert thing ... but I don't want to put up with this either. This kid, who's probably younger than me, has the right to completely dehumanize me just because he could physically overpower me and had some cronies with him? I was walking with my mom for Godd's sake - my mom - and he still talked shit. I think she should have hit him with the umbrella; it's fairly heavy... It all makes me think of the "turn the other cheek" philosophy. I have an aunt who's an archivist/ historian, who learned in her work (and shared with me) that "turn the other cheek" has been entirely misinterpreted by the general population. In the time that story took place, slaves and subordinates were slapped with the back of a person's hand - peers or equals with the front. A person who turned the other cheek after being hit was not ignoring the injury but saying, "If you're going to hit me again, you must hit me as an equal." That's what I want in this situation. Equal footing.

In other news, I'm descending into serious paranoia. (People who are alive keep dying in my head. Please make this stop.) I'm obsessing, and I'm freaking out, and I want to stop it, but I seriously do not know how. I think I'm scared that there's some preparatory value in these fantasies, and since I might *actually* lose someone it's better to be prepared. As if preparation has ever distilled the grief that follows loss.

My head is kind of spinning; maybe that's obvious. I felt crabby off and on today, and tired a good deal of the other time. I probably had a low-grade migraine; those are often prefaced by bad dream nights like this past one. We did go to another, better library after seeing the crappy branch, and I was rather pleased. It's new, clean, modern - big and airy. I like it, though oddly enough, (prepare yourself: positivity about N*land ahead) my favorite library (of those I know) remains the one in Neverland. it was an older building with intricate, interesting architecture. it was filled mainly with romance novels and westerns, but the space itself had a lot of spirit. still, I can see myself studying and writing and reading in this new place. Poring over documents, mmmm. I haven't been feeling very industrious lately, so the rising desire to read and write again (after a few days of serious lolligagging) pleases me. I feel better when my brain's engaged. I'm learning to watch very little television without being snobby about it. I'm imagining what my walls will look like if I ever get everything I've gathered to put on them (and imagined making to put on them) together enough to do so. All this reassures me.

And I'm going to call Chas. Maybe as soon as tomorrow. I'm going to call her just to say hi, like the doctor suggested. I can't believe how easy it will be to hear her voice again... I've lost too many people truly; I have to stop pretending I've lost others. I have to take the leaps and do what must be done for contact.

Also. If you would...you, who's reading this. Whatever you do that's like praying...if you could do it for the people that I love, I'd really appreciate it. You know some of the names, though I don't think you'll even need them. Sara's a good name. I love fiercely; that's obvious. And my heart aches at how little I can do. I guess I just want to magnify my shaky faith with the faith of others, who are perhaps a bit more steady on their feet at the moment. I need to calm down again. I need to release control, thank love I'm not responsible for keeping order in the universe, and trust that all will be well. I'm just still not sure how to make that switch...

a spiritually-challenged,
chordling

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