9:16 p.m. - 01/25/02
david mamet is the (unmentioned) devil.
prepare for the hazy day's description; my brain is fog and it's not lifting:
so I went to the appointment playing "walk away" on dad's disc changer. (I finally found my ben cd; praise god.) I guess I had pretty clear in my mind that at the very least I was leaning toward leaving, which basically just gave me the strength to be open, and because I was open, I had a fucking breakthrough.
aw, shit...? you mean she has to stay now? but I really *wanted* a therapist who liked me...::sigh::
I figured something out. I can't manipulate Harriet. That's why I get so frightened of her. No matter which "self" I give her, I can't grasp her concern or pity, admiration or pride...and it terrifies me. I don't mean to be a manipulative person, but looking at it objectively I see that I am - if only for the purpose of survival, if only because I've taken my writing far beyond the normal boundaries of fiction and non-fiction, I'm manipulative. I say things to hear them argued, I say things to hear them disclaimed, I have other people fight my selftalk for me because I'm too lazy or frightened or stubborn to do so myself...
what it comes down to is that Harriet is strong and she takes me at my word. (which terrifies me.) if I exaggerate, if I minimize, if I say things as they are without alteration, she takes me *at my word* and that is a terrible thing. as much as I want to be trusted, I'm terrified of not being able to control her responses, of not being able to dictate what of me she sees and how she perceives it, based on what I know of her. (it sickens me that I do this, but I'm realizing I do. I do it with everyone. I try to control everyone, especially people I'm scared of and people I love...oh, dear.) I see that I can't control her, which frightens me because that makes her someone of a rare strength, and I'm not so convinced that she can't control *me.* I get caught up in wanting her to like me because I believe that if she sees superior value in me she won't use her power to hurt me, and one of the ways I know to help a person like me (now that pity and concern and the heroism urge have failed) is to agree. to listen to what she says and nod along, which means that I trap myself: while I live in fear that she might hurt me, make me think something other than the truth, I end up accepting words as truth without question, in order to help her like me (i.e. to protect myself from what has already happened.)
I want to run not just because I'm lonely and she doesn't fill the hole, but because she has the power to brainwash me and it looks like either move I make is checkmate.
she says my fear that something awful is going to happen signifies intense post-traumatic stress. and that although I've learned many "survival skills" the time we spend together needs to be about *living.* not surviving. which is a pretty thought except -
what about surviving her?
chord
whose head is fuzzy
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