7:45 p.m. - 03/04/02
am I thirteen for good?
You know Seven. You love her in that sigh-and-shake-your-head, it's-too-bad, she's-so-young-to-be-so-hurt sort of way. If you have ever felt this toward me, you were knowing Seven, and if you have ever felt protective and oddly older beyond birthdays, you were knowing her.
To call her Seven is not to diminish that she is me. She doesn't like to be referred to in the third tense, even though she knows its more poetic. In her lifetime, she's experienced what it means to be considered a fragment attached to a girl who won't claim her, a girl called Mary who makes up silly names for her, and doesn't understand that she is Mary, too...so to call her Seven is simply to say she is special; she is a special part of us.
Seven is starting to be heard. I know it's been a long time, dear, and I know the Adolescent-Us is new at this, but we really do *want* to hear you. As scared as you are of the adolescent, that's how frightened (she, we, I) are of you...but you are still a dearheart little girl and I give you love.
I used to think of Seven as the girl that I was fighting this illness to protect. I'd say to myself, "Imagine a child experiencing all these things you're healing. Wouldn't you do anything to take that burden of their shoulders? (Yes.) Well, you are. Because that little child is you when you were little and couldn't work through all this pain."
It isn't so simple. It's a nice thought, but there's more to it than that because Seven has to heal, too, and Seven has to want to heal, too. She can't scurry along, grow up, get better just because Ad wants to go to college, socialize, and change the friggin world. She can't suddenly not be afraid, simply because Ad doesn't understand her. That frightens her more.
Talking to Harriet tonight, Ad-me cried a little because she's been "held back" from normal adolescent function so much. She grieves that she didn't experience more extra-curriculars, late night drives, volunteer projects, and classroom involvement. Harriet asked if Ad's need to go to college could be motivation to get out of the house, start practicing life skills, and gathering the necessary funds. I told her no, not really, because it isn't a lack of motivation that keeps me from entering the world; it's fear. (Seven's fear.) And Seven isn't going to be less afraid simply because Ad is motivated.
What I realized on the way home was that Seven-me *would* be more likely to venture into the outside world if *she* had motivation. Seven isn't too young to wonder what's in it for her...an academically stimulating environment is not reason to go to college for Seven, nor is the idea that she cannot stay little forever. (Hell, she hasn't grow in ten years; why start now?) So the real challenge now is for Seven-me and RestOf-Me to figure out what Seven could get out of growing up. Certainly there are aspects of college that she might enjoy- even if they're simple promises like "we'll collect pajamas and drink tea from big purple mugs"...as long as they're *real.*
She will trust them; she is trusting to her core, but in the long-run will all be better off if she trusts things that are actually real.
I will make her this promise now: we are not the Three Faces of Eve. We are The Flock. We will integrate, no one self will win.
Sweetie.
chord
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