6:55 p.m. - 05/23/02
just got a letter to my soul.
I'm downloading a game I've never played to aid in the distraction and the focusing of my extra attention span. I wanted to come here and remind myself, in this moment before my parents return from their outing, that I have had a really nice day today. The homework was horribly easy in a way I could not even pretend was productive or challenging, but I finished it, which means that I have finished all my algebra work for the year. When Mistrandy came, she coerced me into taking the final, and I was in awe of how realistic its expectations were. The problems were ones I had studied; the processes were ones I'd drilled on continuously. I flew through it, slowed only by unnecessary doubt and the occasional joking exchange with the teacher I will surely miss these summer months.
It didn't hurt that she gave me back the last two tests- one was a 104, and the other a 106. I know I call scholastic achievement cheap affirmation, and I know I loathe the way I've been trained to base my worth on my GPA, but that really was a wonderful feeling. I had a dream last night that I was taking a second-level geometry course, and there was all this hubbub over whether or not I would be in my old teacher's class. I guess it shows that she still lingers in my head. Despite the brilliance with which I finished sophomore year, and the way I've pulled through so incredibly this semester, I still expect failure. I still await evidence of my inadequacy...
But, I did so *well*...
It was a nice feeling. And the final was yet another testament to one of the topics Dr. R and I touched on yesterday: how my old school told me that the insane pressure it put on us was normal across the board. When I see the surprise on their faces - faces of Rogers-loves, of Mistrandy, and Dr. R- I start to wonder if it really was so standard. I know now that they treated me beyond unjustly, but I still believe that they aren't exceptional. Dr. R said that thinking inappropriate behavior is normal signifies an abusive environment- the way Dave Pelzer thought every family had one evil kid who took all the punishment. I think it's going to be a long time before I'm finished with what went on (off and on) throughout school.
I'm glad that I had years like eighth grade, teachers like Sophomore-Algebra and AP-Euro. I'm glad I know that it wasn't something in the fountain water, that the town is not fundamentally bad, that it does have beautiful, life-altering people. It's that knowledge that separates me from the bitterness of Charlie, and of some ways, even of John. I escaped total cynicism, and I'm glad.
I want to be an honorary Indigo Girl. Thank my Deo for this day.
chord
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