5:10 p.m. - 06/29/02
there goes my pain // there goes my chains // did you see them fall?
I felt like making this survey, so I did. unfortunately, I'm a 'copper' member :) so I can't post it in the directoy.
recovery survey
1.) Name a book, CD, movie et cetera, that has helped you in your recovery. book: _I Never Promised You A Rose Garden_ because it describes a lot of what I feel/ felt without discussing the behaviors that trigger me. CD: "The Honesty Room" by Dar Williams. movie: 28 Days (it puts the sweet back in bittersweet; it heals my homesickness.)
2.) Why did you decide to begin recovery? there was a lot of external pressure, and people being so afraid for me scared me. but really, what helped me get started was no longer being able to feel. as hard as some of my feelings were/are to deal with, not being able to experience life made me feel really inhuman, and I knew that wouldn't change until I started working to get better.
3.) What about you is different now than before you began recovery? I'm more confident (sometimes), I'm more vocal about what I'm feeling (and I am better at knowing what those feelings are)...I believe I'm worthy and deserving now, and that's a big change.
4.) What about you is the same? I still care a great deal for others, and I still do everything I can to help them (so long as it doesn't mean sacrificing my own safety.)
5.) What do you enjoy about being in recovery? I enjoy being able to connect with people on a deeper level. Many times people usually stick to 'safe' discussions, but those in recovery are used to talking about the hard issues, and I enjoy this. I enjoy seeing myself grow and change.
6.) What about it makes you sad or angry? What scares you? I used to be scared that if I didn't need to be cared for because of my health, I would be alone, but I've found this is true. I'm scared now of how fragile it still is, and the possibility of relapse. I'm sad and angry that even though I work at it, the thoughts still linger, and I still have to struggle sometimes.
7.) Explain a belief or way of thinking that has changed for you. I used to believe that there was a very clear right way to do things and a very clear wrong way, and that any mistake was disastrous. Now I know that even if I make a choice that turns out to be less than what I need, I can move out of the situation, and take what I learned with me. I don't believe in mistakes anymore, and that means I don't have to punish myself for them.
8.) What helps you to stay on track? One of the not-so-good things is that I really love the people who helped me get better, and I want them to be proud of me. (Even though I know they are no matter what happens, I still want to stay on track for them.) But for me, it helps to remember as clearly as possible how my life has been at different times. I remember good things and tell myself I deserve them and will experience them again. I remember what it was like to be sick, and that helps me dismantle the lies that try to force me to relapse. I try to keep clear in my head what I want and how I can get there.
9.) What do you do when you are struggling? Sometimes I journal or make art, but the best thing for me is always talking to someone- though it's taken me a long time to get to the point where I can. But I now believe that I deserve help, and people will be glad to know when I am struggling and offer support! I call my psych or my friends who understand, and they hold me together until I can do so for myself. Music is also very healing.
10.) How do you ask for help when you need it? Why do you think this is so hard? Like I said, it's taken me a long time to get to a place where I can. I think about it from the other side, usually, and realize that I would want to know if my friends were having a hard time, and also, I think about how good I feel someone trusts me and gives me the opportunity to help them during a rough time. Then I think about how much I deserve to have support. (If I don't believe this in the moment, I think of a person who obviously does feel this about me, and I call them.) I think it's hard because for a long time I didn't have support, and my shame-voices told me I didn't deserve any love or kindness. Silly shame.
11.) When you feel like relapsing, what keeps you from giving in? Partly how far I've come. Even though I know that nothing can make me into the person I was before recovery, I don't want to re-do all the work that was so hard the first time. Also, I see now that my illness was another *problem*- it offered a false solution that won't help me now.
12.) Share a favorite affirmation. "No matter what you do or say or feel, you are always worthy of love."
13.) And a favorite quote. "One cannot creep where one feels the impulse to soar." -Helen Keller
14.) If you could explain your recovery to someone who has never experienced it, what would you say? Gosh, there's so much. I would try to help them understand my illness first, explaining how it helped me deal with pain when I didn't know any other way, and how scared I was to start recovery. Then I'd explain to them that my recovery was separate from my illness: I'm happy to be going through recovery- I'm not happy that I have an illness. Recovering from my illness has shaped me in many brilliant ways, and I'd want them to understand that. Even though the illness was lethal, the recovery has defined me in ways of which I'm very proud.
15.) If you could discuss your recovery with someone who is still in their addiction, what would you want them to know? I'd want them to know that seeing them in pain hurts me deeply because I'm still so unsure in my own process and because I know something so different than illness now. I'd want them to see their own power, their own brilliance, and their own true worth. I'd tell them that recovery, while arduous, has given me all the things (and more) that addiction promised but never truly gave. I'd tell them I never would have believed this, but being in the hospital was the best thing I ever did for myself, and I want them to feel that kind of safety and support to discover what it is they truly want.
16.) What types of support do you have? I have long-distance friends (moving is *so* not cool), my psychiatrist, and the staff number from the hospital. I keep in touch with a couple friends who are also in this process, and that helps me a great deal.
17.) If you could go back and not begin your addiction, would you? of course I would do anything to not have this kind of struggle, and to keep others from going through it. I guess, for me, it goes back to the recovery and the addiction being different. I hate the addiction and I would do anything to see it wiped off the face of the earth. At the same time when people tell me they wish I'd never gotten sick, it hurts me. Because healing from this has done a lot to make me who I am, and I wouldn't want to change who I am (except to grow further.) I guess I'm saying I'd stop the addiction but not the recovery, and since that's not possible, it's probably good I can't go back in time. (Yet.)
18.) How do you feel when you see other people using their addiction or disorder? How do you stay safe when this happens? It's really painful for me. It's no longer quite so triggering (except that sometimes I still feel like I would be better off with that sort of attention), but it hurts me to know that so many people have to go through this. I know how painful it is, and I hate to know that others are also struggling and don't get help. I stay safe by making sure I'm supported, not going into environments that are anti-recovery, and keeping in mind that everyone will have their chance to get better, and no matter how much I want to, I don't control whether or not they take it or when that is.
19.) Name one reason this is worth it. It's worth it because I died inside it, and without it I can live.
20.) Take care. :) You can do it! Thanks, me. So can you! ;)
ah, insanity...
chord
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