12:05 p.m. - 07/31/02
a little bit of nonsense, a little bit of nothing. [installment three]
I don't have much to share these days, as with the play over and Sarah back at work, my days are pretty much spent between the computer, the stereo, and the television. Not exactly exciting, and certainly I could find a more engaging way to spend my time in fricking New York City, but I don't really feel like exploring on my own. I wouldn't mind getting to know the city with a friend, but unless I go about making one, that option's kind of out.
We went to see Me Without You last night at one of the artsy cinemas in Soho. I was a little nervous about seeing a codependent-relationship-movie with Sarah, but it actually turned out nice. I've been thinking lately that my relationship with Sarah may be difficult, but it is certainly not imposible. It's a habit of hers to incessently take care of people, but it's not something she enjoys doing, and it doesn't seem to be something she does with people in her life who are either a.) recently introduced or b.) able to take care of themselves. I think the more I appear capable of handling my own life, the less she'll feel the need to do it for me. Which is a nice plus.
The movie was ok. The story could have really sucked, but the acting definitely saved it from that extreme a fate. I was slightly disturbed by how impressive Michelle Williams was, and how much I related to her character. I don't want to associate myself with Dawson's Creek in even the most remote of ways. But she was good. Really. We can forget that she was on Dawson's Creek. (Or we could if the advertisements didn't proudly proclaim tbe fact...)
I am a dork for the following reason, though: I skipped a *free* Dar Williams concert to see this movie. Me, who loves Dar Williams, who adores Dar Williams, who whines constantly about missing her the last time she played Oz (in April) - missed the chance to listen to her with no stereo separating us! Am I completely crazy? I think perhaps.
Actually, I found the ad for it in the Time Out last week (in plenty of time to plan for it, right?) and asked Sarah if she wanted to go. I think Sarah's heard Dar Williams once in her life (at my insistence), and even though I know she'd dig some of the lyrics and have a decent time, she just isn't all that into folk. We have a lot of overlapping tastes, and we feed each other's music addiction, but Sarah listens to a lot more of the spunky Sleater-Kinney, Rasputina types than she does to the bare-bones girls with guitars. She goes for Bjork over Melissa Ferrick, for instance. And it's not that Bjork doesn't deserve that, it's just that - I listen to both. I don't know. I think folk borders too close to country in her estimation. But have any of you heard, "The Great Unknown" lately? "When I Was A Boy"? "After All"? Yeah, I'm a dork. I chose not to push the issue and wait to see it with someone who would bounce along with me the whole show.
I actually had another offer to go - from Inge, my parents' friend. But I've only met her, like, 1 1/2 times, and I wasn't really into that idea. But it was Dar. And I missed it. I think I'll pout and play The Honesty Room. If I had money, I would pout and buy Out There Live. But I have about four golden dollars to my name.
I wish we would really switch the Sacajawea dollars. Because Sacajawea was fabulous and because they look like pirate money. Or European money. I wish our money looked like some of the foreign stuff does. It's so much more like money should look. Green and white with dead presidents? I'm thinking rainbow prints with anti-establishment statements. Why, why, why are people conservative? Why, why, why, why?
This is what happens when I don't have anything real to say.
Only two-and-a-half more days of this trip. *sigh* It's not like I'm up to anything too exciting for the second-half, but it still sucks to be returning to Oz. I'm going to try to seek out a few more cultural experiences when I get back - stay on top of the independent film scene and what's up at the better theaters. I wish the area didn't completely suck. I wish I could smoosh the superdoc into my duffel (actually, I wish I had a "duffel" - cool word, yes?) and hop a scooter to the sea.
Yes, I do miss therapy. I miss the doctor-man. I haven't had to call him yet, but I just feel weird not talking with him, and I'm aware that even though I can hang in there without therapy, I don't want to stop it yet. It's true that a lot of the things I'm working on now are less dangerous than my past threats, but at the same time they aren't all 'cosmetic' things. I'm not just working on being the best Mary I can be. :) I still have a few henchman in need of beatings. Which has me thinking that I'll stay in therapy until only the normal-speed evolution is necessary- and I am evolving sufficiently outside my non-psychiatric environments.
I kind of hope that's not for a really long time. But he said that I'll eventually be full emotionally. I'll eventually have enough.
I started to wonder after the movie last night why I'm not completely obsessed with him. He meets every critera for my infatuation; he gives me consistently what I only dreamed of in other obsessive relationships, and I'm still only - grateful - for him. I'm grateful, I feel blessed, I enjoy talking with him, but I don't feel the way I usually do. Why? How can he meet all the criteria and not bring that up in me?
Anyway, it's lunchtime and these paragraphs have not really dug up anything for me to babble further on...so...off I go.
2 Things Which Mary Has Done In The Past 2 Days And Will Do Again Before Leaving:
-ordered food in when she was home alone
-succesfully taken the subway alone
I survive.
chord
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