Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

9:55 p.m. - 08/18/02
not a long time// but it's longer than a day
I'm starting to feel like Wednesday is my birthday, complete with the confusion of whether I'm feeling enthusiastic or dreadful. I really am feeling ok about the fact that it will have been a year- I'm happy with the way I've decided to look at it: "one year since the first time I didn't purge/ one year of not purging." I haven't "quit" or anything; it's still too scary to think of it as such a final thing. Not because I want my bulimia back- the reason I'm so happy about this is because I'm glad for where I am- but because I feel like I can't screw up if I say I've quit. I already feel enough fear that I'll make a mistake in my recovery. Why is it that I'm so good at telling my friends it's impossible to relapse, and I can't get the same message through my head? I know that rigidity is one of the ways I've stayed on track, but it's really not something I'm proud of - & it's something I feel safe enough to work on now. I don't have to purge to not be rigid, but I don't have to be rigid to not purge. I just wish sometimes that I had thrown up at least once during this past year, to show myself that it's possible to mess up and still go forward. I've done it with the restricting, but it still feels odd. I still feel like if somehow, some way, I lose my mind and binge/ purge, I will be a completely horrible person. I will let everyone down. I need to talk about this with the doctor, and I know that, but it will be weird because we so rarely discuss the eating disorder specifically. He doesn't have to help me ward off the behaviors at this point, and the issues behind them move beyond Ed. But it's not like he asks me *not* to talk about it. And I am *seeing him* Wednesday. I have to tell him what that day is. I want to.

I think I want to.

I went out today and bought myself a blue shirt with a one on it, and some silver alpha-beads to make a necklace stating "one." (For some reason it's impossible to find a charm of the numeral one in the entire state of Oz.) I'm going to wear it for the first time Wednesday, and I think I'm going to listen to Coleman Lindberg's "Worthy"* and dance quietly in my room. That's what I need, I guess. A quiet celebration. I'm proud of myself, and I want to acknowledge it, but it's not the type of thing I'd be comfortable breaking out the crepe paper streamers for. I do want to tell certain people, I do want them to be proud of me, to understand how big this is, but I couldn't handle a party or anything along those lines. I couldn't handle having to be like, "Yes, one year; thank you" over and over again. The people I want to tell are ones who will not only understand how difficult it's been and how difficult it will continue to be (despite the length of time that's passed), but also understand that I'll have mixed feelings about the day. I think in some ways I'm more afraid of telling people than I am of the actual event. I'm glad that I'm out of the cycle, out of its clutches, out of that pain, even if it's only in one small way. Even if it's huge. However far I've come, I'm glad I'm here, but I appreciate the people in my life who can remind me this is wonderful at the same time they understand I go back and forth in knowing so.

I did tell my parents the reason for the one shirt (which was surprisingly difficult to find. Those class year shirts are so prevalent, I figured I could at least find "01" without difficulty, but for some reason everythng is "03" - my year, makes sense- and 8. I'm completely boggled by the 8. Do they pick these randomly or is it some sort of social programming?) My mom tried to give me a high-five which was far too much like streamers (I like quiet "hey, you're wonderful"s better than public applause) but my dad was really fabulous. He didn't hear me say it when I told my mom, and later he asked if he could know why, so I told him, and he was like, "Wow. Mary, that's wonderful. You deserve more than a shirt for that." I laughed and asked if a car and driver would be feasible, which was all the more silly considering they basically *do* chauffeur me everywhere...

I thought about it later, and I realized I didn't really want anything. (Which is also fitting, as I never feel much like I want anything for my birthday either.) The necklace I'm making and the shirt I bought were more a reminder to myself of what I've done and a way to celebrate it on the day than any sort of reward for having done. I guess I can't imagine any better reward than where I am. Well, I can. But nothing material.

I had a dream last night that Tracy was alive. She was lying right near me, and I stared at her, started toward her, almost crying, barely breathing. "What? How are you-" She said the doctors or the officers or someone said she was ok now, shrugged like, "Who would have thought?" and I realized there must have been some sort of mistake, and I was hugging her, and my heart was singing because I'd gotten her back; she was really ok. I started closing and opening my eyes to make sure she wasn't a dream, to make sure she was real, and all of a sudden, I was really awake, and she was a dream, and I beat my head against the pillow and told her I was sorry, begged her to come back. I'm sorry, I thought it was real, I wouldn't have woken myself up if I'd known it wasn't real...

She looked sick. That time, just after Sara called to tell me what had happened, when I dreamed of her and she was healthy in a way I'd never imagined her looking, far beyond what I'd seen of her, I knew for certain she was ok. And when I saw her in this dream I had her back but she looked sick again. I don't know what to make of it, but I nearly broke. It hurts like hell that my 1-yr is the same day (though not month) as when she died. But maybe it's good in a way. It's hard enough to keep going without her; I don't think I'd be ok to celebrate without remembering. It's not like I can ever minimize how difficult it is remembering her. It's not like I can ever forget.

I'm scared again. I want so badly to know that she's ok, and the dream says having her back doesn't mean that. It seems really awful to compare a real person to this, but one of the handful of Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes I've actually seen showed the younger sister, Dawn, trying to use a spell to bring back their dead mother, and Buffy trying to explain to her that she wouldn't come back the way she was hoping for, she wouldn't come back as their mom. I don't want to take her out of somewhere wonderful, out of where she needs to be, but I don't want to leave her alone in something frightening again. I wish there was a way to know if she still needs me. I wish there was a way to know if "every moment we are where we need to be" extends beyond death. For that matter, does anything? Does anything extend beyond death? Anyone...?

Sometimes I forget it's real, and when I remember, when I see her so clearly as I did last night in my sleep, or when I remember so clearly what death with all its letters written really is, there's still so much pain. It shouldn't happen. Something is wrong when no one catches a girl like that. When no one grabs the pills out of her hand and says, "No. No, no, no, no, no; we love you. You're safe, and we won't let you go."

Maybe it's me. Maybe it's selfish that I want her here. It's not like I have any reason to believe I know what's best...but I know she didn't get the chance to live the way I can live now, and I know that none of us know what's happened to her. Is she ok? Does she still have fingers; can I send her yarn?

I want to be able to love her short-distance. I don't know how her parents have survived.

I see Tammy tomorrow for the first time in many weeks. I'm really glad I'm seeing her. She's one of the people I want to tell about this week (hope I can summon the voice, the courage, to do so). It feels right to see her this week, to be now where I was then, in the same rooms with the same voices. I want to tell the walls this is the girl who's staying. I want them to feel the energy around my progress and believe that even though this girl cries out for the suffering of her former self, she will stay strong. She will keep going. I want them to know I'll keep going.

And then there is the weight. I'm scared that in the craziness of this past month, the schedules that weren't my schedule, the unfamiliar food, I've lost weight. I'm not terrified because I haven't done it through eating disorder behavior, and my body is very good about weight maintenance so even if I just *follow* my meal plan (maybe slightly raised?) I should be able to get back to physical stability. I'm just glad that she'll weigh me tomorrow, and I'll know where I'm at, what I need to do. I know it'll be a little scary if I have to gain it back again, and it'll suck that I've been stable since March and maybe I've lost now, but I feel confident that I can do it, and I know that since I'm confident Tammy will be as well. I don't think she'll be like, "Well, Mary you've said before that you could get back on track" I think she'll be like, "Well, Mary, you've gotten back on track before." And when I tell her I haven't been restricting, she'll believe. So long as I believe, she will. And I'm trying to only let in the healthy doubts. To question myself and my experience but not destroy it with self-fear.

So...yes. Wednesday. One year. Monday. A Tammy appointment. Somewhere in there school starts again, and I still have no word from Sara. I tried to call, but no one answered. Maybe there still perusing universities?

All of a sudden, I feel like I have friends. Maybe it's just because I have *new* friends, something that hasn't happened to me since RED. But it feels good. To have people to e-mail, to have new minds to explore, and new people to discover.

Recovery is discovery, folks. That's what the coins say.

chord

*the chorus of this song is "today is the day you are born/ remember the way that day feels/ never forget you're alive/ never forget you are loved/ and worthy..."

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!