6:35 p.m. - 11/03/02
further dialogue as sounded through the tears...
Help!! Please help!
Why? What's going on? What do you need?
I need help, damnit! I'm going crazy. I can't take this. I'm going completely insane trying to keep up with it all. I'm going to fall behind; I've already fallen behind, and then everything will be over because nothing matters and no one cares about the girl who can't fucking do anything right.
Take a second to breathe.
No! I won't! Because it won't do anything. Nothing does anything. I'm so pissed right now, and I can't get out of this. Not again, not ever. I'm so tired of all of this. I haven't been eating, do you know that? I didn't even think about it; I just kept doing school, and all of a sudden, it'd be late, and I'd realize I hadn't eaten anything. I have these headaches I can't shake, just like when I was really sick. And you know that, don't you? That I'm not really sick anymore. So why am I being such an outright idiot? Why am I not eating when I'm so so so dumb? I don't have trouble with food. That's a stupid lie I made up to get attention. And now I'm acting like I do again, and it's so dumb. Like I really need another problem on top of all of this. Like I really need another way to disappoint everyone.
Who are you disappointing?
Myself. Obviously. And everyone who's ever cared about me.
How? By having problems?
By not being able to handle them. I'm supposed to be able to handle them! I'm not supposed to be an absolute neurotic incapable of doing the simplest thing. I'm not supposed to lie and cheat and manipulate and be lazy and non-productive. I am not supposed to be this person! What the fuck do I do? I can't change it. I keep trying to change it, but I can't. I want so badly to do what I am supposed to do, but it gets in the way of itself. School gets in the way of food, and then I'm too fatigued to do school. I'm incapable of doing anything.
You're getting in the way of yourself. You're getting in the way of who you are, and the true perfection you were created from.
Shut up. I'm not perfect, I'll never be perfect, and I hate myself.
Why?
Because I'm screwing up again. Because there's nothing I can do to change it. Because there's this spinning in my head and no matter how many breaths I take, no matter how many meds I swallow, no matter how many words I write, I can't shake it. I can't shake it, and I've turned out stupid, and stupid and lazy are the last things I can be. I can't be this girl. I can't. I can't be this dumbass incapable fuckup of a girl. I can't have them saying bad things about me. I can't take it. I can't take any more bashing than what I get from my own head. It's just too much.
Try to breathe.
I'm so scared. I'm so sad. Everything is overwhelming, and there's no way to make it stop. And I don't even *want* to reach out, but I don't know why.
You do know. Think.
I don't. I'm scared. They'll hurt me. They'll make it worse. They'll find a way to hurt me, judge me, they won't be able to help, and I have to have that hope if nothing else. I have to believe they can make it all better. Plus, I don't want them to know. I don't want to be a failure, and I can't let them know I am. I'm supposed to be an adult in a few *months!* I'm supposed to be capable and know how to take care of myself, and I can't do it; I can't do anything, and I just want to give up because who the fuck could put up with me this way? I'm just so sorry. I'm so sorry because no matter what I do it doesn't seem to be enough, and no matter how hard I try, I don't have the energy to do what I need to. I want to do it, you know? I want to be a good student and a good person. I want to be enough, but I can't seem to get there. I know my standards are high, but this is crazy. I can't be crazy. Crazy is too lonely; I need help.
Who's telling you you aren't enough?
Myself. I know. Only myself. I know all those other people are gone, but they aren't gone, they stay in my head, and I can't shut them up because I believe what they say. I believe them that I'll never be good enough, that I do poorly because I don't care, that I don't belong on the fast-track because I'm a moronic poser. I believe them, and I can't shake it.
You don't really believe them.
What?
You don't really believe them. That's why it hurts so badly. Because you *want* it so much. Because you honestly believe you could do something marvelous and that's more terrifying than what they're telling you, so you opt to hate yourself.
Why are you saying that? It can't be true. It can't. I don't believe I can do anything. I'm too scared. I'm too scared to try and fail the way I have failed, the way I am already failing. I'm so destroyed. I just want to live up to whatever person they could want me to be. I want RED to say, you've made us proud; we love you. I want it so badly. And I can't get to that person, so I can't have them, and I'm so so scared.
Just cry. Just breathe for a moment, and cry those tears.
I want them to love me. I want that more than anything else in the world, and if I don't get it, what will anything else matter? I need them. Don't you see? I need them, and if I lose them because I'm not enough, I won't be anything. I need them to say "we love you and we want you in our lives"...I need to be enough for them because they're all I have. They're all I want to have. I can't handle losing them, too. I need that little bit of lie. That smallest motivation to keep making it.
I'm so sorry that it hurts this bad.
It isn't fair. I'm not horrible. I try so hard. I look at myself in the mirror, and I think, "You're short and short is cute. Your hair will look so spunky when you cut it again. Your new glasses rock, and this outfit looks good." I try so hard to beat this, and I still can't be the one they want me to be. I'm trying to recover perfectly, not in behavior, but to get through this to perfection. Like my illness is what kept me from being perfect and if I can change that, maybe they'll take me back. Maybe they, maybe *someone* will really love me then. And I know what you're going to say, you're going to say that people already do, but I can't let up on myself, I can't let that love in, and I'm just losing my mind trying to wait. I can't wait until I'm perfect to be loved, but I can't be loved, I can't accept the love, until I'm perfect.
Why not?
Because then it will never come. And I'll never have to face how much it hurts to be loved. Because then it will never come, and I will never have to risk screwing it up. Because then when it sneaks in, I can say, "It isn't my fault. I told you to wait until I was perfect. I don't know how to love now." I don't know what to do. I'm not a good person to be in a relationship with. I'm codependent, I caretake, I'm insecure, I'm needy, I'm moody, I'm hyper-sensitive...But I can't wait until all those things go away; I need love now! I have to let it in, I have to, but I'm so so so so scared.
Of what?
I'm scared that it'll break me and I'll fall. I'm scared that this will be the end. I'm scared that it's all I need, all I ever needed, and to feel that again, knowing I lost it, knowing I could lose it agaihn, will just be emore than I am able to breathe my way through. I want it so much.
You already have it. You want to let it in.
I'm so absolutely terrified of this. What will happen to me? It's been too many times now. Too many times. I can't hear another man say "you destroyed my ability to trust" and another boy say "you deserve to be raped" and another girl say "it's time for you to leave" and another woman say "go; this is supposed to be what you want." I can't handle being cast off again; I can't handle hurting anyone else. I can't handle anyone else hurting me with the walls they put up, the words they fling at me, the tracks they leave when they -leave me.- I can't do it anymore. I can't. I don't know what to do. I can't keep doing this without support, without love, but I'm terrified to reach out for it. I can only hold so much hurt.
So heal some. Heal some of it, so you can hold a little more. So you don't have to carry so much with you, and you can risk a little love.
How? How do I do that?
By holding onto yourself. By crying those tears. By recognizing that *they hurt you*...Billy and Zach and Red and Jenna and whoever else, they left you broken and wounded, and they didn't all mean to, and they didn't all want to, but they did. And it's your responsibility to find your way through that pain, find your way through without trying to be perfect, without putting up walls, without destroying yourself.
If I go first, this won't destroy me. If I do it to myself, it can't hurt.
You tried that way of living once. Do you really want it again.
No.
Then what do you want?
I want- to be free. Of all of this. It's just so much, the pain and the work, and all the life on top of it. Do you know how little I care about college right now? I'm preserving the life I don't want- the 4.0, the applications, the journey toward acceptance and financial aid. I'm destroying the self I have to have, the one who can take in their love, who can support herself and be supported. I'm losing myself again, and it hurts so badly. I JUST WANT TO GO HOME. I JUST WANT TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW.
I know. I really know.
Where are your words of wisdom now?
They're being voiced by your tears. They're voiced by all the pain you are feeling and your willingness to feel it. You don't want to go back, and you know that. You don't want to feel this, but you do. You have to take care of yourself, Mary, not because no one else will, but because you're the one who can do it perfectly. You dialogue here because you respond more quickly and more perfectly than anyone else ever could. You lean on yourself because you *know* yourself, you know consciously or subconsciously what it is you need. You go after it, even when it translates to tears instead of words.
I don't feel like I can beat this.
Do you feel like you can hold on during it? Do you feel like you can lie and cry and hold onto yourself below the blankets?
Yes. Except, I feel like that's *all* I'd be able to do. I feel like if I let that start, I'll fail at everything else. I feel like if I let it go, let all the pain come out like that, I won't have time to study, and school is real. I've put real effort into it, and I'm scared to blow that now.
Trust this. You are you, and you remember your past. When you give the emotions time, they don't overwhelm at all times. When you block them away, that's when they never seem to leave. Give them time, and they will give school tiem. Trust them, and they will trust you to allow them voice. And trust that if your achievement-world is crushed below this, it will be a temporary fall. Know that if your emotions overtake school and home and all those things you hold such standards for, you will have someone to advocate for you, and say you need a second chance. Say this week was not fair game because you were in unspeakable pain and couldn't give it a full go. You have permission not to be perfect this week. All you have to do is feel and try, try and feel. And if it falls apart, it will go back together. Don't worry about that. In a single object it is hard to see the seams, but when it shatters, all the breaks and where they fit are obvious. You will be able to put it together more easily than you imagine that you could.
Will I be safe?
You could be nothing else. You look after yourself so closely; you are so aware of your own needs and pains. *Trust yourself* to meet them, to look after them. Trust that even though wanting to feel seems to conflict with wanting to achieve, time for you will make the time you give them more bearable, and more productive. Trust that when you let yourself rest, you wake with more energy. Trust that you are not trying to sabotage yourself. You aren't trying to sabotage school or your future. You're trying to sustain yourself now, and that will help you in the future.
Will they hate me? Because I don't think I could bear it if they'd hate me?
Why do you think they will?
Because I will be fallible. I will screw up and lose things and turn things in late, finished less than flawlessly. I will not be someone larger than life that they have never met.
Maybe they would like to meet you. Maybe seeing your humanity will make them feel they know you better, and that will please them. Maybe they will be compassionate.
Like my psych teacher was when she read my paper on addiction.
Like that.
When will Neverland go away?
When you can think of it and no longer hide the painful feelings, it will begin to transform. It may never go away, but they need not control you again.
What if Neverland happens again here? What if I try to look after myself and everyone gets angry?
Then I give you permission to go sobbing into the doctor's office where you tell him it's impossible, and you can't do it, and you hand the problem to him to fix. I give you permission to sob and scream that you will give up- to do everything except actually give up. I give you permission to feel how fully you have internalized that pain, and then find a way to fuck their power, and survive anyway. Live anyway.
Can I be loved?
Yes. You will be, you have been, and you are.
Will I be able to let it in?
You already are. You know it, even if you are scared to admit it. There is a part of you that knows the love has at times been genuine.
Am I going to make it?
Better, you're going to be flawless at being you.
Perfect at being my imperfect self?
Safe.
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