5:05 p.m. - 12/21/01
--.girls who can't be golden threads settle to eat pizza and never gain weight.-->
I thought I'd do a little mini-check-in with myself because I can tell I'm a little on edge, and I'm not sure why. I haven't been very good with remembering to take my meds the past week or so, and I think it's starting to be visible - not to mention how hectic and crazy things have been. Anyway, I'm just saying that so I can remember to take my five-o'clock anti-anxiety when I go back downstairs. For now, it's just time to breathe and focus on me.
Yeay, introspection.
I didn't go to the day-program today because we had some family friends over, both of whom I really adore, especially the woman, Kim. She basically breaks my "20-yr-old female staff" rule and manages to drop my jaw without meeting all those silly criteria. She's just such a peaceful, passionate woman, and I always feel so good around her - like *I'm* smart and passionate and funny and whatever else I need to be...but more than that, like I don't *have* to be *any* of those things, like even if I didn't own *one* of those qualities, I would still be enough. She's one of those rare people whose very presence convinces me (if only temporarily) that *I am enough.*
::sigh::
So the morning was pretty good. A little bit of difficulty being around Mom all morning, and being around that high energy, and that *food*...where in the description of party does it say that months worth of food must be served during the occassion? I understand that my perception is distorted, and it *wasn't* a lot of food...it was just right there. Actually, I didn't have a problem with it; it's just that I'm struggling right now, and so I'm reevaluating my day and making it all seem hard and like I did things wrong.
I'm good at that.
I went to see Harriet last night, which was really very fabulous. I started crying. I've done "a lot" of crying lately, relative to the amount I have been doing, but not enough in terms of what I *need* to be doing. I need to be safe enough to cry a lot more because I'm in *a lot* of pain right now. I feel like my entire skeletal system is knives, and every time I move, or breathe, they twist and cut at the inside of my skin. I think that's why I was so overwhelmed by how lovely Kim (and Jimmy) were today because I *know* they are safe people. I knew that if I had the courage, I really could just walk over to where Kim sat on the couch, curl up against her side, and let her hold me. And it would have been okay.
There really aren't many people I know that for. Sadly.
And that's what I wanted to say about crying with Harriet last night, even though it wasn't much. After I met with Randy Wednesday, I went out into the waiting room and really bawled, only for a few minutes because of something he'd said about me staying in the program and needing the program. I went off on my shame belief of, "Oh, so is that it? It's because I'm not getting better well enough? That's why no one wants me?" I cried for that belief, and I cried because I knew it wasn't true, which meant that the other things I've been saying about myself probably aren't true either, and how do I deal with *that?*
I cried with Harriet not because of all the shit that has gone down in the past week or the hell I experience in this household or even the guilt I feel when I refer to it as hell...I cried because when I told Harriet what I had said to my mom in the different scenarios this week and how I had held up some semblance of recovery amid all of it, she said "I'm proud of you." And I cried. Because it meant *so much* and just the fact that it means *so much* upsets me. It shouldn't mean all that. I should know that people look at me with pride and pleasure and amazement. I shouldn't be taken off guard.
I just tried to quit feeling bad because of "the holiday" and you can't do that. If anything, feelings are intensified at holidays. Holidays are big and glamorous and meaningful, and I am small, withdrawn, and plain.
Or at least, I'm being told I am...I feel as if I am. Or would be safer were I such.
Read: confusion.
Love,
chord
~who writes love when she needs it~
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