10:35 p.m. - 01/05/03
:i'll claim my freedom. _[*]_
Oh, I'm exhausted. Good. I was worried that I'd completely messed up my sleep schedule and would struggle with returning to school on Wednesday. But if I'm completely exhausted around 10:30, I'm basically set.
I feel better, in the sense of "not as bad as I did"- not in the "entirely cured" sense. I went upstairs for a little while, and sat in my sink-nook (which I really should decorate; I spend more time there than in my room), cried my eyes out, talked to the Invisibles. I turned on Alice Ripley and began to decorate my walls. In the year-and-more I've lived here, I've never had a room that looked like me. And this one won't really ever be "my room" either, but I can give myself some pretty things to look at nonetheless. I can surround myself in love until it's almost sacred space.
This slight change in mood can be attributed to my inner resilience, a Lindsey-talk, a Shannon-mail, and three nice replies to my sf post. Though one of them, I might have to write myself a response regarding. I need to put my insecurities and shame at ease. I suppose I could push that out of the way, now.
Listen. It is very important that you move out of where you are. It is very important that you move on and learn the practical skills necessary to live your life. It is, however,not your fault that you are in this place to begin with. It is not your fault that you grew up in this family or that you haven't freed yourself from its influence quite yet. On the contrary, it is exceedingly brave of you just to continue working to free yourself. It takes such courage to be the cycle-breaker, and you are a courageous being. Take care, Mary Brave.
Gosh, that sounds almost like a nourish entry. Whew.
I need to make some plans for the three-or-so days of break I have left. Chord's to-do list:
-spend more time collecting quotes
-finish rereading _Rose Garden_ (so obsessed) and read In This Sign or Blue Shoe (and of course, more poetry)
-convince myself that I am strong enough to take the painful situations I will potentially face if I push forward (i.e. I won't die if Rogers says bye-bye)
-contact Silje and Laura and Brooke
-oh, and contact Shandi and tell her I don't hate her for bailing (but don't say it was fine)
-go to at least one (possibly two) sessions with the doc and tell him I need to talk about the home-issues some, and the other scary and important subjects need to step aside (just temporarily)
-write 2 more Rogers letters (Sara and Jenifer) and prepare them to be sent at my discretion
Don't count me out. I'm a healer to the core, and this time the energy's toward me.
chord
�
�
