2:20 p.m. - 01/13/03
oh, yes, you are alive.
It's a quiet moment right now, not the type of moment I'd usually break with keys. I read an sf post about the sadness of the illness, made me think of when I learned- when I lost Tracy in the sense I used to have her; I'm listening to Cracker Jack Kid. I'm in the oddest place right now. Somewhere inside I'm dancing the way ten-year-olds in dresses dance- spinning, watching the skirt twirl around me, raising my arms up over my head like a figure skater. So entirely free, so entirely grateful. Somewhere else I'm primed, arms against knees, listening to the rhythms in my head, and the pulsing of memories, witnessing what I can't quite feel, not yet, not right this moment, not now. Somewhere else altogether, I'm buzzing around, filling in this and that and realizing hey, maybe this is anxiety, maybe you should let yourself rest, but still pushing, pushing because I want it all so badly. One step further than yesterday's limits. One step further than you think you can run. But only one. No more infinity; no more exhaustion. Somewhere inside me, there is a girl- a real, whole girl. And she's ready, she's ready. She's the one who woke up this morning, hurting and knowing why. She's the one who woke up this morning, knowing she'd done more than survive last night. I did it last night. I took the past, grasped who I was as tightly as I could, and helped her inside the warmth of Mary Brave. I did it, sitting in bed redressing my inner child doll in clothes my mom did not pick out, touching her for the first real, loving time since Rogers. I did it this morning, sealing envelopes and addressing a package of letters to Valley Road, Oconomowoc, Wisconsin. Oh, red...
And there is letter karma. My father just handed me a letter from Katia. And Tracy's here, and I'll talk with Sara soon. I could crumble in any moment, but that won't be the constant. That won't be the future. Just for now, I have to feel it. The weakness is the feeling; it is not the always.
I'm doing it, damnit. I. am.
chord
�
�
