5:30 p.m. - 01/26/03
where I can whisper what I know.
hi, sweetie.
god. what do I do. where do I even begin with this...
just look at the situation. what's going on?
what's going on is he's gone. he's totally and completely out of reach. and I didn't realize how dependent I am on him, and I hate that. I hate that I'm dependent on him because now he's not here.
for a few days. not for forever. he told you he wouldn't leave the way it feels now like he has.
I know. but in the meantime, what the hell do I do? how the hell do I find my way through this on my own?
didn't you write an entire entry about this today, about the way you survive when you're "alone?" about how you never really are?
yes. and I don't believe any of it right now. I don't believe a single word.
have you even read it?
no.
so...
so all I know are the bad thoughts in my head. and I don't know what the thoughts *are* so how do I counter them?
what are you feeling?
crazy. absolutely crazy.
since?
since this week. since my parents went fucking psycho, since my brother started to feel like an anvil on my shoulders, since Sara became so important and so fragile, since I got day after day off school and took day after day to do nothing, since I got to the point when tomorrow means school starting again, since people seemed to talk about food all the time, since my body image got totally off the charts bad, and my self-image managed to get even worse than that, since I started to feel like a burden on the entire world, and since I forgot how it is you talk and it seems useful. this is the type of pain I call him in. the kind where I don't even know where it's coming from. the kind where I don't possibly know how to get out of it. the kind he always manages to interpret, to figure out, to calm. I need him. duh. I didn't leave yet. I didn't leave because I need him, and now he left. now he left.
for a vacation, for a short vacation, during which you can take it minute by minute.
I just can't defend against all these attacks. I just can't do it on my own.
You don't have to. did you see the amazing outpouring of support? did you take it in?
Yes.
so what do you need beyond that?
I need to know what's wrong. I need to be ok even though everyone who I experience without the aid of a telephone wire is making me insane. I need to find a way to stand against it or to just go to sleep and let it be done. I need to release the tension. in all likelihood, I need to bawl my eyes out. but I don't know what I'm so upset over. I talk in circles, nothing stings. there's no pain, there's just tension, huge and numbing tension that stands between me and the reason all this hurts. and I need to know the reason or I can't do anything. I need a clue.
"give us something to feel..."
exactly. give me something to be agonizing over. something that's not obsession and anxiety and stress. something that makes actual sense. something I can feel and bawl over and establish some sense of sanity again.
what could it be?
it could be that he's gone. it could be that I have school tomorrow. it could be that I don't feel like I do anything good enough- not school, not friendships, not living, not anything. I feel like I'm completely incompetant and making everyone feel shitty because I'm no good at being me.
how does it feel to say that?
uncomfortable. not brutally torturous. I'm used to the words, I guess. I hate how used to this I am. I don't want to be used to hating myself. I don't want to be used to trying to get through life in thirty-second stretches. I don't want to be used to not knowing how to reach out and not having anyone physically here to reach back. I want it to be different.
it's frustrating.
it's beyond frustrating. it's depressing. in and of itself. to feel like the same cycles are repeating themselves over and over again. to feel like I'll never escape any of this because it's inside of me- because it's in the world and my world doesn't seem to change.
but it's not the same this time. remember you? remember Rogers? remember how much things have changed?
Rogers...they don't even want to talk to me.
ok, you can't do that. you can't start deciding it's your fault. it's your inadequacy. it's not. it's absolutely not. remember what you thought when Jenna didn't love you for you? remember what you found out later? well? that's how this is, too. you don't know anything because they haven't responded. you have no idea what glitch keeps their kindness away.
maybe that's what I hate.
the lack of control.
they say it like it's such a bad thing. I'm so tired of hearing how I shouldn't want to be in control. well, fuck that: I do! I want to be able to manage how I feel and how I relate to people and how my life pans out. I want to not be at the mercy of people like my parents who I don't even like sometimes, and people like my school who I can't even be myself around, and people like Dr. R who despite their fabulousness are far too necessary to get used to. I just...can't. I don't want to feel this powerless.
where is your power? you know you still have some. where did it go?
I don't know.
what's the situation?
everything sucks, and there's nothing I can do. everything sucks except people are really really kind to me, but they're all far away, and that's so hard.
is there a way to just accept that it sucks?
that is so what he would say.
I know. is there? is there a way to be like, "it *sucks* that we have to live with these people in this house in this 'town.' it *sucks* that we have to live with depression and anxiety and eating disorders. it *sucks* that other people don't realize the extent of these illnesses, that they forget once they grow used to it, that they manage to make things worse. it *sucks* that our friends are far away, and so many of them are also in pain. it *sucks* that people we live disappear, temporarily or in more permanent ways. it *absolutely sucks* that we have to do schoolwork that doesn't teach us anything, that is rote and non-creative and makes everything harder. it *sucks* that we grew up in f*cking Neverland and learned that who you are and what you feel has no importance, especially pitted against the importance of School and Responsibility and all that shite. it *sucks* that we've learned that our responsibility to ourselves does not come first because it does. it absolutely does. and the people who have made our lives better are the people who have talked of burning Neverland down, who have kicked school off the schedule, who have said again and again and again that I am what's important. so fuck the rest of it. fuck it. we will do what matters. we will do menial tasks one a time. we will not feel guilty for not managing school or other people's feelings, *especially* parents feelings because honestly, it's their job to figure out their lives. and it's their job to manage the relationship they had with your daughter. it isn't 50/50. this is parent-child, even now. you are not the one in charge of it. you are not the one responsible. this sucks. and all we have to do is survive it. fucking survive it for the next ten days. minute by minute, sweetie. day by fucking day.
ok.
are you safe?
yeah. dinner and a Sara-talk. I'll be ok.
you'll be more than ok. but for now, let what you are be the priority. especially this week. especially when it's all you against It. you have the strength. just use it.
I think I can do that. I'll be back if I need to.
you're loved. keep that in mind. you are absolutely loved. by friends, by life, and by the life as it will be. you're safe, even when it feels otherwise.
"I'm ok when everything is not ok..."?
exactly.
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