9:35 p.m. - 02/06/03
pieces of me you've never seen.::*
(This is a rather fragmented entry, but I wasn't going to write anything at all, and it helped- so bah.)
Dear Mary,
I love you very much, and it hurts to see how difficult things are for you right now. I wish I could understand it and explain to you why all this must happen, but I can't do that. I know it would be nice if somehow, being in recovery meant having access to the perfectly fulfilling life- to the safe life where bad things do not happen, and everything feels good. That would be nice, wouldn't it? I can't give you that, as much as I wish I could. I can't give you perfection. But I can give you the strength necessary to survive the less than perfect parts of this world. I can give you the identity to secure yourself within the pain. I can give you the safety that comes with standing stronger than the storm. I believe in you, and though I wish I could give you something easier than what you have, I know at the same time that you don't need it. You don't deserve to be feeling pain like what you're feeling. Yet, you've survived so well until this point, and I know you can continue to live in spite of the pain- to grow within it. I know that you can withstand this until you find something better, that you can cry for help when you need it, that you can shut down when there's nothing else to do. I know that you can survive anything because you've seen the worst smack you in the heart, and you're still here. No single event could be worse than what you've already experienced- not for you- and what it comes down to is that it's impossible that everyone will leave. It's impossible that everyone will hate you. Individual people may need to go at times, but you will never be completely alone. And you will be safe and loved, within yourself, and finally without. That's what it's about. It's not about proving you're deserving by recovering. It's not about teaching yourself to be perfect at a whole new game. It's not about learning the rules so you no longer make mistakes. It's about learning who you are so you can safely be her. You're the ticket, sweetie. You. And once you find yourself, you're going to be ok with everything else. You're going to feel the strength of those rare times, consistently. You will be the first person to love yourself well and consistently. And when you do so, you will begin to see how many people already do...
*
It's not doing the same things over again; it's feeling the emotions that come after a trigger.
It's not going easy on myself; it's believing I, too, deserve to be treated gently and with love.
It's not taking too much from others; it's allowing those who love me to show it.
It's not being a bad friend; it's being honest about my own needs.
It's not allowing a monster to thrive; it's allowing myself to believe, if only for a moment, that I am not that monster.
It's not about having no way to cope; it's about choosing to do nothing until I know a better way than what has failed me in the past.
It's not letting myself off the hook; it's very gently moving closer to forgiving myself.
It's not about being superhuman; it's about having the strength to thrive within my humanity.
It's not about being alone; it's about choosing to let in only those who can love me well.
It's not about disappointing everyone with my incompetancy; it's about being honest so I am open to learn what I don't yet know.
It's not about having made a mistake; it's about having taken steps to make things right.
It's not about being undeserving; it's about healing the thoughts and feelings that keep me in that shame.
It's not about hating myself; it's about holding onto me no matter how distorted my perception is.
It's not about being lax on my own standards; it's about giving myself realistic standards and staying flexible.
It's not about taking care of everyone else; it means learning to take care of me.
I want to let them help me. I want to let them in. I want to feel ok breaking down, not feel like that defines me. I want to know that struggling does not mean failing. I want to know that behavioral abstinence does not mean having no problems or never having been sick. I want to know that I deserve far better than what I have, but can learn to live well even in this pain. I want to prepare myself to search for better circumstances, which my therapist says will be drawn to me magnetically. I want to stop worrying about whether or not my pain is hurting someone else, or keeping them from getting what they need. I want to stop worrying that who I am will disappoint others, that once I start to know myself, I'll no longer have any power over my life. I will have more power because I will know better what I need and what I can do to achieve that. I want to believe I'm worth finding, fully- that there is no part of me that needs to stay suffocated and hidden. And I want to believe that people will connect to me deeply based on something other than concern, pity, neediness, caretaking, etc. Based simply on who I am.
Because I want to believe these things I will keep pushing myself closer to them. I will continue to challenge the thoughts I no longer want to seem like truth. I will continue to abstain from behaviors that reinforce the painful perception of who I am and what I deserve. I will continue to speak up about what I'm experiencing, pushing myself to do so even when I'm not noticeably progressing. I will remember- because I need to remember in order to reach these better things- that being honest about what I'm going through is a step in itself, and no matter how rough I feel, if I am fighting to move forward, I've already progressed. :slinky
chord
p.s. I'm golden now. thanks to another golden one. "when a golden girl can win/ prayer from out the lips of sin/ when the barren almond bears/ and a little child gives way her tears/ then to all the house be still/ and peace come to Canterville.*" (and chordlings. and those that chordlings love.)
p.p.s. I need to understand that going into these issues will take time; I'm not going to heal seventeen years in a day. And that means I need to learn how to feel safe when I'm struggling, when I'm not obvious in my progress. That can be one of the next steps we try...
p.p.p.s. the newsstation I complained to aired a focus story last night promoting a new diet. I'm thinking that blows their claim out of the water. I'm also thinking I was heard about as thoroughly as a mime.
*Oscar Wilde The Canterville Ghost
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