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9:58 p.m. - 03/16/03
just want to feel. (.) safe in my own skin.
So, on a businessy note, I'd still really appreciate help finishing/ fixing this layout. It needs to not be so messy, the lines need to trail the entire entry, and a few of the links (like to the cast list) need to find spots...Bah. I'm trying to be proud of myself just for the reality that I'm letting something unfinished be seen. I so rarely allow that. I still want to finish it, though. And thanks for all the comments, about this and other things. I need it, as little as I want to say so.

~

So, self-esteem. Slippery little creature, that. I lost her again today, and the ensuing game of life was not so pleasant. Back out in commercial America feeling like a cross between Quasimodo and Frankenstein, with a heart to match my appearance, and "everyone else sees this, too" etc. It's a very bizarre scenario, even now- familiar as it (unfortunately) is. It's bizarre that after so many years of helping my friends see beyond that, of never even seeing it myself, I can be so caught up in my own ugliness. (Beyond the physical, but still- the physical as well.) I wanted a new brain, eventually. I know better than to think it has anything to do with how I look. I know it's all about how I see. And I ate really, really well today (first time in a few days) so I should be proud. I also took two naps and told myself that the small bit of homework I did is enough. Thank God I'm generally good about keeping up with work, and I'm a homebound student. I could not make schoolwork work otherwise. Especially not during this particular scene...

I really need another day to this weekend. I need to let myself keep "taking it easy" - which is such a ludicrous expression, considering the circumstances. This is honestly the toughest battle I've been through in a long, long while, so the idea of describing any part of it as easy seems so wrong. Everything I've written about in the past month is still happening, no matter how little I write about it. Spirituality? Sexuality? Remember those questions? I do. I remember the answers running around in my head, too. I'm on kitchen duty right now. And front burner, back burner, boiling over, barely started- it's all mine to manage. I've heard about too many cooks, so maybe we could just add a massage-giver to rub my shoulders while I work. It was so bad today, I let my mom hold me in the middle of a store. I'm not weird about public affection, but I am weird about my mom hugging me, so that was a very big deal. I just needed it so badly, and no one else was offering. She told me she's proud of me. Damn right, you know? I need to think that way. It doesn't matter if people don't get it, if I manage my life so well that people are thrown when a spark of illness is visible. They should be amazed by how much they don't see, how much I work through and with and against at any given moment. I should be amazed, at my own progress, at my own strength. I will be amazed...

I want to know my future again. I miss that particular piece of understanding. I want a clear concept of what I want to do with my life. Right now, all I want is to help people who can't tell their stories do so. I'm not sure where I sign up/ train for that.

I miss myself, too, but it's different than it normally is, I think. It's like she's captive, and I can see her, and I keep making eye contact, checking in, while I work on setting her free. I haven't pushed her away, and she hasn't sunk from sight...there's just a hell of a lot of thicket in our way... I am my own Prince Charming; I am my own rescuer.

The big vine today is- I miss my sisters. We're scattered across the nation, and I miss them like they're me. I keep thinking in poetry, but only a verse at a time, and I can't keep myself inside the same poem, and I can't come up with a single opening line...

But I'm ok, when I let that all be; be.

chord

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