9:26 p.m. - 05/02/03
( trust ::the voice:: within. )
oooh, we haven't done this in awhile.
(as written just after the last entry, which had many places to go, but wasn't going anywhere)
*
What are you feeling?
Alone. Which I shouldn't be because I'm the one isolating. And scared. Really scared.
You're isolating to protect yourself. It doesn't discount the loneliness. Do you know why you're scared?
I'm not taking care of myself. I'm scared that if I take time away or set boundaries, no one will be here when I get back. Or even - they won't be here now. And I need people, even though I'm scared of the pain.
That's a lot to have identified. What else?
I feel like a fuck-up for not eating properly, for not taking my meds this morning, for not taking care of myself. I know that "there's no such thing as the perfect recovery" line, but I don't feel like it applies to me. I mean, I haven't purged since being admitted to Rogers, not one fucking time. And that's basically, behaviorally, in terms of bulimia, perfect. So I have these standards, like I need to be that good about restricting. I need to never skip a meal. Ever. And when I don't do that, I feel like such a fraud. I feel like my recovery is just a big lie, and if it is, maybe my illness is a lie, too.
Is there any reason to go back into the "I'm faking" thought scheme just now? Did you feel this way in New York?
No. In New York I either felt like I was doing well, a little worried, or like things were hard. I spent a lot of time not even thinking about illness, but when I did it was real.
And today?
Today, I'm just caught up in everyone else's pain. I guess if I don't have any, if mine isn't real and doesn't count, I'm more likely not to respect myself - to just give in and be codependent.
Why don't you want to?
Because it really does hurt right now. I hurt right now. And it's a lot.
It must hurt more, trying to keep it all quiet. Trying to make it not real.
I need it to go away. All these feelings. I can't help anyone if I'm struggling, and I can't be good if I'm not helping anyone. And yes, I know better than to say that, but it feels so true. Who am I? With no prospects, no plans, no contribution? I feel like I'm screwing up so badly, and I just want to make up for that by fixing things for everyone else.
Why not fix them for you? Give yourself the same compassion.
I'm scared of myself.
Why?
Because I'm the one making them leave.
Who?
Everyone. Jenna and RED and just everyone. I can't do this again, anymore. I can't keep pulling it together, pretending it's ok. Pretending I'm ok. But I'm scared to let it fall apart. If it's an act, and I stop propping it up, everyone will see who I really am and how poorly I'm doing.
You have the right to do poorly without being a failure or a no-good, flat-world, not-enough person.
I'm scared to know that. Like maybe, if I stop thinking I have to be perfect, I'll start really messing up. Like, if I tell myself, you don't have to be perfect about your meals, I won't keep eating them. And then what? I can't take that.
Do you remember at Rogers when you started eating so they wouldn't hate you? It isn't immoral to have done the right thing for the wrong reason. And there's no law that says you can't change your reason.
To what?
Oh, Mary, you know there are reasons to eat that have nothing to do with being perfect. To stay healthy, to have emotions, to be in relationships, to live...What's wrong? What will happen if you know this?
I won't be able to get them [Rogers] back. I won't be as good in their eyes.
You know they wouldn't want you trying to be perfect, Mary.
I know.
So how will this take them away?
I'm scared that they're already lost, already gone. And I don't want to heighten or ensure that by being anything now I wasn't then. Because somehow, somewhere, sometimes, I do believe they loved me. And I don't want to change in case I'll end up not the person they loved. In case I haven't lost them.
You don't want to grow, even though you spent your entire time there growing, because it's your way of trying to hang onto them. But aren't there other ways - like phone calls and e-mail-
But they aren't there when I call, and they don't write back, and some of them never, ever will. And I don't know how to change that, and I have to change that because I can't deal with that. I can't deal with being without them. I love them. I can't stop loving them.
You shouldn't have to. Don't. Love them with everything you have even though it hurts.
And with the pain?
With the pain, recognize it's real. You have a right to feel this pain, to feel this poorly when you're separated from those you love. You feel it because you love them. You don't have to be static for them to love you.
I don't want to lose them.
I know. So start with the sure thing: Don't lose yourself.
*
chord
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