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7:18 p.m. - 05/08/03
[] - i don't know how. to get it back. to good. - []
When I walk out of a session crying, my dad always offers to beat up the doctor, and I never know how to tell him that the doctor is the only reason I'm making it this far into the fight. Today, when he said it, part of me wanted the same thing, wanted to go back and hit him and say, why are you doing this to me, don't you understand? but even as I thought it, I knew he does. And it makes sense that I'm angry. Generally, when people tell me to stay my course, just hang in there, they don't realize how badly I'm hurting. But he does. He can't miss it, not the way I bawl and gasp and cringe in front of him. He knows, and what he means is stay the course. Nothing else.

So I know now why I felt angry with him; why am I so angry with me? I feel like he has to hate me. Yes, I've been depressed the past few days, and depression correlates with low self-esteem, and I have pointed out reasons to myself, in the past, that I have to think he doesn't hate me. So, why do I feel "like a mess he don't wanta clean up"* - so to speak? Why do I feel like a wreck and a mess and a burden?

There has to be some good that does. Otherwise I wouldn't think it. I thought maybe I turned the anger inward to avoid being mad at him, but I'm not mad at him now, just slightly disappointed that he can't make it all better. I'm tired of sleeping all the time I'm not crying, and crying all the time I'm not sleeping. I'm tired of seeing him "twice a week" when one appointment is two days later than the other, and then I have to get through the next four or five days on my own. I know I'm going to end up calling him this weekend. Or maybe I'll e-mail him now. And say what? I'm convinced you don't like me because I'm such a fuck-up...? Even though he told me no one could do it any faster. I could take all the vitamins in the world, and pregnancy would still last nine months; I cannot speed this along. No... but I could be stronger, couldn't I? I could be less stubborn, not fight him so much. I wish he would tell me what I'm doing that's wrong, so I could fix it. I don't want to be a problem. I want ... to be loved.

And yes, that's skewed. That's not his place. That's not even what I want from him; I love what he is and the relationship we have: it's just what I need. But I miss Rogers so much. And I'm freaking out about that so completely. So maybe today when he said he was going out of the mental health business to fix toasters, which are much more clear-cut and take less time, that bundle of nerves in my chest just heard "going." I feel like with his help I could get it back. With his help, I could figure out what to do. I could get Dave to give me the no-bullshit answer, and he could be there to pick up the pieces, if it's the one I'm scared will make me deaf again. I don't feel like I can get it back on my own, and God I need it.

If just so I can get through a six hours without shedding six million tears...

chord

*Fiona Apple

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