8:23 p.m. - 06/03/03
*-lay down your head and dream, dream...
I really don't have a lot to give today, even to myself. Insomnia has worn my energy down to the barest mark, though I did buy myself a little sleep with some alprazolam this morning. Exams have taken quite a bit out of me (like I said yesterday, unexpectedly), as has the preparation for high school's end. I went out tonight for flowers and cards and other necessities for tomorrow's big introduction/ last-class-with-Mistrandy and ended up running into one of my classmates. Bizarrely enough, she, too, is thrilled to be graduating, despite the nostalgic, sentimental types surrounding her, and she was homebound last year. In retrospect, that was really cool: having a classmate moment. I just didn't feel it at the time, though. I was overwhelmed with studying all morning, testing all afternoon, and being out all evening. My first thought when I saw her was terror/ shame over her thinness. I would give so much to just toss these symptoms out a window; I really would.
I am giving so much. I'm giving so much of what I have, so much of what is in me to fight this disease. And disease it is. I saw yet another ad today that promised to help "fight the symptoms of aging" and I was like, "When did aging become a disease? Wouldn't we be a bit worried if people *didn't* age?" This was on top of my plan to start a spam campaign promising to help people gain weight. And something else, perhaps simply the exhaustion magnifying something small extensively, is lingering below the surface - caught on a young adolescent girl who thinks she's the bronze amid gold medalists, if she even places at all. I'm caught somewhere similar to why do we have to carry that sadness in our eyes, that certainty that we're the ones who shouldn't be? and I'm not sure if the question has more to do with caretaking or simply with me. I need to sleep, and then take a long look into my own eyes.
In 24 hours, I'll be finished with fourteen years of mandatory schooling.
chord
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