9:25 p.m. - 06/09/03
: - so maybe now this prayer's the last one of it's kind.:.
I'm having trouble focusing. My thoughts have scattered away from my own life (what? Mary not being introspective?) and onto other frontiers. I'm wasted from codependency, seriously. I'd like to think it's withdrawal, and perhaps it is, but I have such a hard time finding (or is it drawing?) that line between connection/ support and caretaking that I think I'm worn out from alternately stepping over it, and staying so far back, I forget I have relationships. ...Like those people in my life who love me (and like me) even when I'm crabby? I really miss those people right now. And I know they're around, and I'm trying to determine where I've been relationally slacking because even if I have good reason for doing so, I'd rather not feel so isolated as I do, especially considering that isolation will most likely deepen as I realize that Mistrandy will not be returning for classes anytime soon. Or anytime ever. That also means quite a bit less structure in my life. I've gone, in a couple of weeks, from five structured, "social" (def: requiring me to be present in relationship to someone other than my parents) days to one. I need to keep that from turning into complete inactivity- for instance, sleeping all day, everyday, which is difficult to judge at the moment, since I'm adjusting once again to sleeping meds. Oh, the simplicity of life. Can *any* problem not have the equal and opposite problem present to further complicate my situation?
I have mastered ambivalence. That much we know.
I want to understand why the codependency is such an issue right now, but I'm also afraid to push my way toward understanding. Sometimes defenses are up for a reason, and this is one of those times, where I don't entirely feel like knowing. I mean, I have plenty of possible explanations. Caretaking can come from a need to find "control" in the world, and since Sara's hospitalization, my separation from Rogers-people, and the current shit with my parents have all dismantled any remaining illusions of control, I could definitely be looking for a way to feel back at the switchboard. I could also be looking for a way out of my pain, into someone else's, as lately my pain has been pretty intense. My eating disorder is pretty quiet (knock on wood), but the pain of eating disorders in general are stirring up the grief and anxiety to frightful heights. Codependency, as previously mentioned, is a demon with drive, and balancing "staying safe" in relationships with continuing to have them is rather new to me. Maybe I am trying to get away from myself, or more accurately, all this pain surrounding my self. But I feel ruffled by it. I'm upset with those people whose situations I want to "fix." The whole, "Why must you make me caretake!" business - which is not exactly valid (at all) but nevertheless a feeling. So I might be feeling like my problems are the fault of those people with whom they are acting out in order to keep from seeing that this is really about me (making it seem like my behavior is justified so I can continue it), or I might be feeling that way to protect myself from continuing the behavior (you people are making me crazy! I can't put up with this!)... Or both, or neither, or who knows. The point (does she have one? does she? we're about to find out, folks...) is that I'm doing it, and though I want to stop doing it, I don't want to access the feelings that could clue me into why I'm doing it and therefore ease my escape.
Now that actually makes sense to me. Frightening, I know. I've been in a phase of distraction for the past few days, trying to make it through, feeling minimally, which is not my style, but has nevertheless become necessary (temporarily.) In order to do this without resorting to numbing behavior, I've had to work extra hard on some of my "issues"/disorders, and at the same time, the whole point of the distraction was to keep from going into this pain without an ally. (The kind that can actually be in the room with me, though I love every member of the cyber-forces, too...) So I'm simultaneously trying to keep from doing something that usually requires emotional awareness and keep from feeling anything too intense. No wonder my options feel limited these days. Well, not to mention the fact that I'm still cuffed to D!@#$%^, and my I'm seeing less than 3 people a week. This is not the world I saw in the brochure.
Speaking of which, can we stomach another parental rant, considering it's been awhile, and the two of them made me cry today? Gratsi. Here goes: Two Thursdays ago, my dad took me to my appointment with the doctor, and we were both very obviously sad that this is now the only time we have together. He had to take off right as he dropped me at the waiting room, so he suggested that the next week (last Thursday) we plan to go out and do something (instead of just see a doctor.) I was all about it, so much that I tentatively agreed to see a movie (an activity I almost always avoid) - the new Jim Carrey flick, Bruce Almighty. I'm also told that Mom can come if she wants, a bit of information that makes me a little sick in the stomach because who wants to play messenger between parents who "aren't" separated? (Only technically.) Anyway, I agree to see this movie, I'm all excited about spending time with my dad - I even mention it to my mom, who looks a little hurt, so I say, "Oh, and he said you can come too, if you want" which draws this cold, victorious smirk onto her face, as if she now understands his motives: He's trying to weasel his way back into the room with her! And using me to do so! Damn him! I don't say anything, (because honestly, who wants to have that conversation, even if she *were* going to be honest about her feelings?) and continue looking forward to Thursday, which comes. Unfortunately, my dad has scheduled himself to work during the time when we were supposed to go out. He's really sorry, of course, and the week's been really bad, of course, and they had to come at this time, of course, but he doesn't want me to be disappointed, of course, so maybe we can do something before going to the doctor, like go out to eat (of course)... I, having just woken up, (at around 11, after falling asleep around 7) tell him that I need to eat breakfast, gather my bearings, take my meds, and make myself presentable. I do this, hurriedly, because I *do* still want to spend time with him, and I'm actually managing to *not* feel furious over the fact that he put work first again. (Left over fury from the, "I have to work to put bread on the table!" / "You're so busy working you don't even notice I'm not eating it!" days.) Anyway, we went out early, stopped by a cd/bookstore, checked in with the doctor, went out to lunch, and came "home." Dad left not long after; Mom returned, and things were on their way again. I was feeling better because we'd rescheduled our original plans for the next week, and I *had* spent time with him, even if it'd been a bit rushed and awkward. (One reason movies are good: we run out of conversational material very, very quickly.)
Late that evening, my mom gets home. She asks if I've been home long; I say "hours." She says she's sorry; if she'd known, she would have come home earlier. I tell her my plans with Dad fell through because he had to get back to work, but we rescheduled for the next week. She's not happy about the first part (but seems to be tucking it away in a mental file) and seems indifferent toward the second. Yesterday comes, and my dad arrives at the party with brother Joe in tow. Since the arcade we played at is in a movie theater, the topic turned to films quickly, and Joe mentioned that he'd just seen "Bruce Almighty" and thought it was pretty funny; I went straight to Dad to tell him. "Guess what! Joe saw it. It isn't terrible" et cetera. Except when I said this, my dad's face froze a little, and he didn't talk but he was too focused to have been spacing out on me, so I froze, too. "You saw it, too," I said. "You went with Joe."
"Yeah," he said. "But - I'll go see it again. It was that good."
I nodded a little and walked away. We spent the rest of the day really close; I'm seeing him so rarely, I actually feel upset when he doesn't stay close. (He has never, ever stayed away this long.) Nevertheless I was seriously hurt. I tend to make the mistake of reading people's actions as if they were my own (i.e. I consider that hurtful, so someone else who did it meant to hurt me), and I didn't want to do that with this. Even though I know that had anyone been around to say, "Hey, Mary, you want to catch the new Jim Carrey flick tonight?" I would have said, "Oh, actually- I'm seeing that with my dad on Thursday; we've been planning it, and it's kind of a big thing...so...can we do something else?" there's no line of logic that says my dad *not* responding the way I would (out of commitment and love) shows he isn't committed to or doesn't love me. And I understand that. But I also understand that I was shafted for work the first week and shafted for Joe the second. And that's not how he intends it. It's just...if Joe said to my dad, "You want to see this movie?" my dad would hear, "I want to see this movie, and if you don't come with me, I will never again be anything but angry and resentful." So he went. And in turn, I was a teensy bit angry and resentful and a not-so teensy bit hurt.
So much so that I wanted really badly to tell someone, but there's that pesky little no-one-around problem again. So I say to my mom (knowing that I'm fueling something I don't want to fuel, but also knowing it's not my responsibility to not mention one parent to the other in hopes of keeping things smooth), "You know how Dad and I were going to see Bruce Almighty on Thursday? Well, he went with Joe." And she's all, "Oh, Mary..." on my behalf, so I quickly say, "But he said he'll see it again if I still want to. Anyway. I feel the love." I change the topic quickly and try to forget that I just gave her more ammo for her next encounter with my dad. (They also see each other once a week: for their session with the doc.)
So today, she's on the phone with a friend of hers - Karen - who I've met and really like, and whose partner, Cho, I've met and really like as well. In fact, I think they're some of my mom's "best" friends (as far as my opinion is concerned. They're people I enjoy spending time with.) And all of a sudden, she walks over to where I am and whispers, "Do you want to go see Bruce Almighty with me and Karen and Cho?" and I, completely involuntarily, whisper a boggled, "WHAT?" to which she begins writing down the question. "I heard you," I whisper loudly back. I just don't know."
When she finishes on the phone, she says she isn't sure how soon it could be because Karen's going out of town, et cetera, but Karen mentioned the movie and just got Mom thinking, blah, blah, blah. I honestly wanted to shake sense into her. I could not believe it had come down to a fucking tug-of-war over a movie (when I hate movies.) I could not believe the pre-school agendas from which my parents continue to operate.
When my dad left yesterday, Mom asked him if he wanted any (good, homemade) pizza to take with him, and he said no. Then he saw that we had brownies and asked if he could take a few of those. I sat on the couch and wanted to scream at them. "For God's sake, just STAY! Just stay here and eat whatever the fuck you want. Just stop this!" Even the doctor says it's highly unlikely they'll divorce. So why is my father living with his mom, "building up a business" over an hour from where we hope to move, spending almost as little time with me as the doctor, while my mom collects dirt on him, continues to "build her business" and fights, unconsciously, to win me over to her side? Why the hell can't they just get their shit together, or pretend to have it together for a few more years? You know, the doctor has this whole theory that I'm afraid to leave home because I'm afraid my parents' relationship will fall apart. But honestly? - I think I'm just hurt that they didn't stick it out for me. I'm mad that they aren't pretending for my benefit. What happened to the "best parents ever" charade I grew up in? Why did my siblings all get to leave *that* - while I fight with different states and (what are basically) custody arrangments? With my dad saying, "call me if you want me to come before Thursday" (bullshit! I am not getting involved because I am not in charge! if you want to come see me before Thursday, come! don't pretend it's my decision. if this were my decision, you'd be living in your fucking house with your fucking 'wife'!) and my mom asking me to see a movie I never even cared about just to further complicate things. Or maybe she meant it lovingly: see, someone will stick to their plans. Someone will show that they love you.
Well, you know what? I stopped expecting their love to support me a long time ago. I just really, really wish I were strong enough to go somewhere else. I wish I were in Chicago this summer, rooming with friends... I wish I could be. Because this is all bullshit, and I don't want it to be my bullshit anymore.
chord (who re-surnamed herself to clarify the xenogenesis)
�
�
