12:12 p.m. - 06/30/03
like some ridiculous new team uniform for some ridiculous new sport.
I've just spent ages looking for a new design, and I've seen a lot of really amazing ones, but nothing that particularly says, "Yes. This is the right design for Mary." Not that I want that actual text in the design, but I can't seem to find one that fits me. I think it's my refusal to put up a "dark" template despite going through dark times. I want something that embodies me as I feel right now, and I don't want something that looks depressed. Hmm. Maybe I want a magic design that transforms from captivity to freedom and back again while you read the entry. Maybe I'm too picky for my own good and need to either lower my standards or (really) learn HTML.
I'm not sure why I can't be ok with leaving this one up as is. I think it has to do with putting it up at a time when I was really in a mindset that I was moving - getting out of D!@#$%^, getting onto public transportation, starting to find my way - and it's taking a lot longer for that to happen. In the meantime, many other things are happening, and some of them make the move more painful than I thought it would be. For instance, the idea of moving before I knew my dad wasn't coming with us is a bit different than the idea of moving now.
I just can't bring myself to put up flowers-in-bloom or one of the fifty "Bring Me To Life" (Evanescence) designs...no matter how well-done they are. I think I need something vague. A girl with a not-quite-readable expression, the smile that might be a frown, or the frown that might be a smile.^ I don't like the idea of committing to a mood for more than a few minutes. Then again, I rarely keep a design up for more than a few minutes anyway. Gurgh.
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It just occurred to me that talking in this journal about this journal is probably not the most productive use of my time, and since I don't really feel like detailing the newest manner my anger has found to express itself, I'm going to leave this be. Imagine.
chord
^Boy in the Girl's Bathroom reference
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