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8:42 p.m. - 09/24/03
not tonight, josephine.
Joel (that's "jo-ELLE") came by tonight to visit and she, Mom, and I talked quite a bit about my Grandma. when Mom left the room, Joel held me close, squeezing and gripping and hugging the way I want so much so often...She told me I'm doing well. I thanked her - really, so good to hear that - and told her I'm trying. She told me she knew, and then she held me again, and I held her. and just for half a moment I could smell my grandma.

When they left I went through one of our six or so boxes of pictures, which ended up mostly being me. I did find one of my grandma (as well as several testifying that I did actually have an occasional good time in high school - weird) wearing a hat of mine. I was very known for my hats as a child. obviously all the family pictures and the grandma picture choked me up a bit, and I was already nearing my limit for feelings of loss and love... so here I am. once again not writing about how it ended because I'm once again far too exhausted to express. though if I recognize everything I did today - so much - I could cut myself some slack.

I even wrote a nourish entry. Go me.

But that's all I have right now: holding onto myself and wondering how much longer I'll remember the feel of my grandma greeting me...the way she gripped one hand close to her lap, and with the other cradled my cheek as she pulled me inward for a kiss and hug. will I still know that in a week, a month, a year? I love her, and I've hit my limit tonight. there's no more I can do until the morning, and I have to let that be ok. I will.

chord

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