6:55 p.m. - 10/26/03
he.re we go again.
I always thought I was far too much of an attention-whore to ask anything like this. But... If you are a pro-ed diarist, if you're actively in your ed and not in recovery, or if your profile is filled with links to diaries of anorexic and bulimics, please do me the favor of taking my name off of it. I just can't be in that company right now. Where I am is torturous enough.
I'm sorry. I know you're a person, too, and you were kind to list me. I just can't see my name among those names. Not now. Not now, not now, not now.
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It's amazing how much of a day I can whittle away sleeping and crying. I called Jenna twice; she won't accept the call. Sara's called her, too; same deal. What the hell is happening? How can she be this far gone and still not let me in? How can she be this sick, and not understand...if it were the other way around...how crazy she would be...? She has to get better, and until she does, I have to keep calling her. I have to keep calling her until she lets me in and lets me stay there. I lost her once because she was too ashamed of her illness, and I was insecure enough to assume she hated me. I'm not losing her again. I'm not turning the other way when I know this is happening.
I want to run away into someone else's life. I start to think I want it to be me, I want to trade places...but I don't really. I really, really don't. I just keep looking at the people I know trying to figure out what other option I have - what the alternative is to sitting here, wailing, and watching the people I love die from an illness I wish I didn't understand. What other life can I ever have? So long as I can't wipe my mind clean, forget how much I loved at Rogers, forget how much pain is there - how can I ever be anywhere else, doing anything else? How can anything else ever matter?
(dis)chord
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