4:04 p.m. - 02/01/02
incomprehensible whining.
dammmmmmmmmit.
I think this stress virus might well kill me; the waves of queasiness feel like nausea-knives, and something really is wrong because I've spent most of the day sleeping. I think I've gotten more sleep in the past 24 hours than in the past week. There's something wrong when even my insomnia weakens.
Of course, there are those who never weaken - Harriet at the top of that list. What the hell is the matter with her...she's so kind about me being sick (she told my dad three times to make sure and tell me that she hoped I felt better), but when it comes to my voice in our relationship, I might as well be a gnat. I'm just so frustrated - between her and Dr. R this idea of "we know what's best for you" is starting to imbue the queasiness.
I don't know what to do with that relationship; I really don't. She's just as difficult to deal with (perhaps more so) than the hardest relationships at Rogers...which shows me that I can learn a lot from her- it makes me really want to continue working with her, in a way. But one thing I said while at red, was that it was a good thing that Dave, for instance, worked at *red* - because he was allowed to be his hard-hitting, upsetting self. Being a member of such a large support system allowed him to destroy and put together *our* relationship over and over again because the strong relationships we had outside of that one kept it from destroying us. Meaning that when my psych and my therapist are being hard-hitting *here* it's much more difficult to deal with because they are the only people I see. And I don't know how to explain to them that lately all I want is to be thin or dead or both, so maybe they need to start listening to me as a person before I go crazy.
The other thing is that the team is communicating better than it ever has since Harriet came on board...I don't want to lose that - however...I need it communicating in my best interest, and sometimes I feel like all she cares about is killing the eating disorder.
Hello, you could kill me in the process, kids.
dammmmmmmit.
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