7:35 p.m. - 02/09/02
all the lights that light the way are blinding.
once again, e-mails suffice where I am unable to reiterate...
*
[dr.r]
it seems like the more determined I am not to write an e-mail, the more quickly I end up doing so. I'm trying really hard to understand what's going on and what I need to do; I guess I'd rather try to change something and fail than continue watching things worsen and not acting. unfortunately, I'm really afraid that I'll contribute to the problems by trying to solve them, so I guess I'm looking to understand some things before I leap into action. I was hoping you could help with that.
I guess we've established how shitty I feel, and there isn't really any point in going into that. you know other somewhat relevent points as well - such as the fact that I don't want to be a part of the family therapy, and though I understand that I'll be affected by my parents no matter what- I understand that even if they disown me I'll be affected- I want nothing to do with it right now. I think you also understand, to some extent, how draining it is for me to try and leave this house, as much as I hate it here. I think you see how exhausted I am by the end of those hours in your waiting room. it seems like you understand some things so well, things I don't always know how to communicate, and so I struggle to trust myself when I disagree with, or question, you. then again, I struggle to trust myself in general.
I guess the deal is that you've helped me a lot, in many ways just because of your personality and how gentle and genuine you are. throughout this year, I've been really grateful for that, and I think I've really needed it, especially at certain points. you have a way of saying things that completely floor my shame, some of which do what I once thought impossible: stand up against those shame-voices even *later,* as I rehash every word again and again. I guess I've really wanted the opportunity to talk with someone like you for years now, and when I got it, it was like a miracle. you'd say things to me I thought people only said in books and cheesy movies. and when you said them, you really seemed to believe them, so much so that I wanted to - I tried to...eventually, I did.
so maybe you can understand how hard it is for me to feel anything but gratitude, and how painful it is when I do. that "miracle" isn't one I want to compromise with contradictory feelings; it isn't one I want to degrade with adolescent challenges. but sometimes I worry that I keep quiet about my feelings and justify things that don't seem right because I want to protect the relationship that's done me so much good. I don't like feeling pained when I talk to you, more so than in other situations, because I used to feel so noticeably not pained around you. it makes it harder to be honest with myself, and in turn with you, because I don't want the truth about 'us' to be anything but positive.
but some things have hurt and are hurting me. it hurt me when you said a few weeks ago that I would be allowed to make my own decisions when I was taking care of myself, through food and other things. in my life, the people who were considered to be taking care of me were not actually doing so, and I've done my best to meet my needs - sometimes that meant sacrificing needs like nourishment for needs like control and stability and an escape from overwhelming feelings, and I regret that because I know it's minimized people's ability to trust me. however, I've been looking after myself in pretty big ways for a fairly long time, and being treated like a child, or even like a 16 yr old, is foreign to me. it feels patronizing, condescending, generally belittling. it's enough of a slap in the face to have my parents thinking they have a right to make my decisions, when they've been so inept at doing that; to have someone who seems to understand me supporting something so odd to me is even more painful.
I'll say again that I don't understand why I need to come to these appointments, but I'm adding that I've begun considering alternatives. I need to understand your reasoning so that I can try and bring my own closer to it. Telling me that my parents are going to affect me does not justify the pain of being in that waiting room, nor does the belief that at some point I might get my senses back and want to join in. I want to know what justifies it to you, and I want to be honest in telling you that I don't want to sever the working relationship we have, but I don't know that I can continue to watch it crumble from my end. The contract says that I will come as you feel necessary. I'm asking you to trust me with the understanding of why it's necessary. The last time we met before today I felt like we were talking as near-peers again, and it was great. I need to know that the decisions are being made *with* me instead of for me because I can't trust anyone else with my needs. I've had them go unmet for too long.
So I guess these are my questions:
Why does the work with my parents take precedent over the work with me - so much so that you don't even ask about my meds?
What reason justifies me sitting for an hour, an hour and a half, or even two, until I'm so overwhelmed with stress that the rest of the day is worthless?
How can I explain to myself that a relationship that once felt so helpful is now one of the most painful parts of my week? How can I trust myself to be honest about pain and to work off of my own understanding when others don't seem to trust me?
How can I communicate to you the questions and feelings that I have when I'm so afraid you'll either say what I have always wanted to hear just because it'll make me feel better or rush through an answer about how none of us know and things will get better in time? I don't know if you heard my response to the "we won't let you hurt fatally" comment - it was "why?" and that's an honest question. Tracy was hurt fatally in her treatment. Why should I be different? That isn't a fair question, but it's a real one. And you can probably think of a beautiful answer, which is what scares me so much. I don't know how many more beautiful answers I can believe, and I don't know how many more "ugly" ones I can take...
Lastly - did I do something? I understand that the responsibilities have shifted and there are different expectations of you now, but I don't understand why that changes how you seem to treat me, or how I communicate that this change may benefit my family in the long run, but at the moment, it's detrimental to me in a way I'm not sure I can put up with.
I don't want to just say "screw it" and lock myself in a room until people get the idea that I'm not coming to an appt. I don't want to deal with the punishment from my parents, the perception of myself, and the inevitable reputation of a stubborn teenager that would follow. More than that, I don't want to disrespect a relationship that's been good for a year by ending it without any discussion. I'm trying to understand; I'm trying to do what's best and what I need.
And it's hard because sometimes you blow me away with how well you seem to know what that is, and sometimes you knock me down with how little I feel you can hear.
You only started calling me "sweetie" a few weeks ago. Before that you never said it, and I don't know how to explain that some moments it feels like a perfectly natural word and a perfectly beautiful embrace - and some days it feels like a really nice way to put distance between us. I like you and I want to have people in my life that make me feel good, but it's so hard to never be able to predict if you're going to pick me up or knock me further down, and I don't know what to do anymore.
Mary
_
"there are many things that I/ would like to say to you/ but I don't know how/ because maybe/ you're gonna be the one that saves me/ and after all/ you're my wonderwall..."
-oasis "wonderwall"
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