Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

1:35 p.m. - 02/21/02
puppykat.
I don't know exactly who it was - maybe Steph or Stacy. I remember it being in the morning, so unless it was a weekend that's probably accurate, otherwise it could have been Brea or Kat. Then again, the feeling stuck around for a few days, so it's likely I talked to everyone about it. As much as I hate to admit it, I like to talk. I like to tell people about myself. I like to see what they think about me. I like to know that they can hear the little noises my mouth puts together to make words, and that there eyes are locked into my eyes.

I told them I wanted to be a puppy dog. I'm not exactly sure how it came up, but I told them that I finally understood what I really, fully desired, and that was to be a puppy dog. I guess I was lingering around the office again; that's probably how the topic surfaced. I was lingering and told them that I just wanted to be a puppy dog, I wanted to have a loving owner whose heels I could follow at all day, who would pick me up and pet me, and gently scratch behind my ears. I wanted to nuzzle against someone's neck, my fur warm, chestnut-colored, bright and clean.

They told me that I was a girl, that I had incredible potential, that there was a lot more I could do than follow at someone's heels as they lived. They told me that if I were a puppy I could get left at home while my owner went to work and out to have fun, that I could be lonely and sad, that I would have to eat puppy chow and let's face it, as nasty as the barbecued tofu was, dog food was a stretch.

But I couldn't get it through my head. Dogs were expected to be overly attached and affectionate; dog owners tended to coddle them, to care for them, to not get irritated when a puppy crawled on top of the work they were doing and begged for attention. I didn't know the same to be true for adolescent girls. I didn't know how to explain that I would be happy being coddled, that I would be happy being petted and groomed and free from human expectations.

I remembered this today when I was watching 28 Days, which isn't as fabulous as it was the first time I saw it, but is still pretty good if you're a post-treatment addictgirl who is long since in love with Azura Skye...It makes sense that I don't understand how the needyinfant self is going to integrate into a healthy 17-yr-old. Infants, like puppies, are expected to be needy and attention-craving. They're expected to have separation issues and to become extremely attached to their caregivers. The only people who fulfill those kind of attention needs at this age are codependent. I finally understand why "only crazy people love me" - it's because the only thing that looks like love to me (real, equal, intense love) is as sick and mentally stunted as my need for it. The healthy people who love me don't sink through as easily just because - they're healthy.

Of course, I'd really want to be a kitten, but cats are expected to be independent and turn their little noses up at affection, so I use the puppy metaphor. This is all irrelevant except that I can't get past it, and there isn't anything else to think about, so why not write it down...

I'm late for lunch. Adios...

chord

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!