7:50 p.m. - 02/27/02
so lonely I don't even want to be with myself
I'm not sure how I feel about polls yet. On the one hand it gives me another reason to come online obsessively. On the other, I don't enjoy not knowing who casts what vote. I like to have some background on the person giving me advice, so I can make a judgment call about whether they're objective. I guess it's good that I don't know, though, seeing as that way I'm less likely to completely hand over my decision-making ability to an Internet survey.
It also helps that the poll is completely split between yes's and no's. The deciding vote will have to be mine. I think it's ok to take the easy way out, but I'm no longer sure that's the only factor in my decision. There are so many pros and cons to staying with Harriet, that forgiving myself for running doesn't completely abate all worries. I think it's ok to switch therapists, but I'm still not sure I want to. Harriet knows a lot about me, and it would honestly suck to have to go back however many months it's been and start over. At the same time, I'm in love-withdrawal. Short-distance-love, that is. With my shame level still so high and my self-hatred still so impenetrable, it's difficult to not have people close by to love me. Sometimes, you just wish you didn't have to do all the work yourself. I'd like to take a break and just have someone else try to love me for awhile.
Though...long-distance-wise, I'm feeling pretty blessed. Between Lindsey's little wish on my behalf, and a gorgeous Mandy-mail in which she referred to me as her angel (ahhh!) I'm just a tiny bit sub-stable. I did manage to avoid SI today, which was a pretty impressive feat considering. I attacked my punching bag instead, and my arms are happy in their soreness. (They're not that sore considering I've been given the go-ahead to exercise -gently- two to five times a week and they've gotten a bit more used to the strain.)
If you can't tell, I don't have much to say. I couldn't answer the phone today, which led to my teacher not coming, which is bad because I've finished pretty much all of the work I have from her, and need more if I'm going to stay sane. Ever since I got school work, I can't veg anymore. I need to be productive! I'm trying to keep it sane (I have rules such as "no doing school work during meals") but it's still going to suck to not have four math assignments to do tomorrow. And I'm still really freaked out because I have a quiz and a test to make up sometime soon - my first in literally a year.
I linked here from atoms today. I'm not sure why. I was looking at the old profile, and I began to wonder if I'm so different now to warrant how many less people read me...I guess in a way it was a cry for attention, and in another it was simply me saying, "what I've tried to avoid has found me; I might as well let the good ones find me, too."
And yes, as it says there, I want to know that I am worth deciphering. I want to believe that other people will put up with me, even now, when I'm so weary of putting up with myself.
randomlymine
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