9:55 a.m. - 04/05/02
it's my journal and I'll be random if I want to.
Things I Should Do Today:
-attack the tile with a Swiffer
-clean off my stairs (which collect things about effectively as the Swiffer)
-not obsess about Jenna, not obsess about Jenna, not obsess about...damn
-write Silje, and Dave, and Leah and Lainie and Sara and Lisa
-make a mix tape
-clean my room
-write an *actual* journal entry
-figure out how I'm going to escape from my parents' guests tonight
-work on my play
-get up the guts not to abandon my newest play idea
-come to terms with being clingy (ok, *start*)
-eat, of course
-& take another revisonary look at The Zine
~
I've spent most of the morning listening to Dar (plus some Sleater-Kinney), I think in some subconcscious attempt to compensate for missing the local leg of her tour, which I completely forgot about until my father pointed out an outdated ad in a newspaper. I will be ok with missing Dar, I suppose- considering that I really didn't have the money to go, (or rather, the money that I would have spent on going is *mentally* spent on other, 'more important' things, and I'd really feel awful if I didn't use it for those things- because I'm just so *good* at guilt.
I was looking over this Louise Hay book that my mom has. Actually, I was making fun of this Louise Hay book that my mom has because it has such a scary rainbow cover- basically meaning that it doesn't need to be specified as Self-Help...even the *worst* Borders employee could manage to shelf it correctly. And I said something about how it was scary, and my mom said that Louise Hay had cured herself from cancer by recognizing (and acting on) the reality that no illness is purely physical, and I was like, "Well it should say that because this scary cover does *not* give her that credibility." And then I took the book into the kitchen and read through some lists it had because lists are calming.
Yes.
There's a section of the book that lists many common and/or serious illnesses, what their emotional correlates are, and a healing affirmation to help rid oneself of them. I checked out basically everything I've ever had (from anxiety to depression to bulimarexia to migraines to eczema) and basically the common ground is that I have major anger which I can't (or couldn't) express, and I have issues with sex.
Which is pretty cool in the way that, taking a personality quiz online, and discovering that you actually *are* very similar to your favorite cartoon character is cool. 'S'like, "Yeah, I knew that, but it's cool that you're for real."
So Mom asked me, if I was going to heal my life, and I turned to her, bug-eyed and asked if I'd been doing something else for the past year-and-a-half? (Ok, it's only a year and three months, or seven months- based on how you count it, but *still.*) And she didn't say, "Oh, of course! What was I thinking!" which made me sad. It's possible I know what I'm doing as well as this woman. Because even though I'm only about halfway over the mountain, I don't really believe anyone is ever *done* growing (as Maya Angelous says, you're only old when you know everything) but some would say I cured myself from bulimarexia, and that's a pretty impossible task as well.
I'm feeling a little underrated today. Which is why it's good that people are being really sweet and sending me happy notes. I'm feeling somewhat expendable, which is my issue, and it sucks. And I'm pacing around in my head wondering if I should just leave Jenna alone or call her, or write and ask her if I *can* call her...I just need to *know* if she wants me out, or if she's just busy, or what. Because it's Jenna and I honestly don't know.
I understand if she needs to separate herself from the part of her life in which I was a part, but I need to *know.* Because that girl was like...my opening. Somehow, she got *in* and I don't know how to keep her entrance from being an injury if I don't have some 'closure.'
I need to know if grief is in order, or if she's just going to roll her eyes at me Brea-style and say, "What? Did you think I forgot you?"
...Yes?
I really need a new therapist. Dr. R is a beautiful, wonderful, exceptional- SNAIL...
:) So's Gary, though.
chord
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