2:00 p.m. - 04/18/02
to send or not to send. [have I completely lost it?]
(Dear Jenna)
Every time I try to get in touch with you, and you don't respond, I think that I should be getting your message, and that I will leave you alone. Literally, three, five times now, I've told myself, I'm done calling you, writing you, thinking about you incessantly. I think about those days at Rogers when I would hug you, and you wouldn't want it, and how I finally learned to give you your space even though I wanted to hug you so often.
I feel bad even writing this because I really don't want to infringe on your life. I don't expect anything, Jenna - I don't mean to be needy or clingy. I want so badly to be in your life, to be there for you, but I want even more to give you what you want. I don't ever want to be a burden, or a reminder of a time you feel is better left forgotten. Maybe that's the difference in us. You were aching to leave from the day you got to Rogers, and I still daydream about going back. I need you, Jenna, just like I always needed you (what were we- if not two people grabbing onto something they'd given up believing in?) but I'd rather remember things as they were then ruin it with a friendship you find nagging...
I just want to understand why. There are so many reasons that would make sense to me...after Tracy...I separated myself from Rogers so completely; I fell off the face of their planet. And I guess you and I were always opposites in that when I can't bear the thought of leaving, I dig my fingernails in and hold on until it's painful, and you find a means to hold yourself and walk away. I admire that, somehow, though it sounds excruciating.
What I'm trying to say, Jenna, is that I remember what we said about always being together if only in our minds, and I'll deal if we're at that point where we have that parallel reality. I just want to know that you're ok, that this is what you want, and maybe why...?
I hope with my whole heart that you're fighting, and I hope with my whole heart that you're resting now and then, letting other people do the battling for you. You're so strong; I hope you're not always proving it - you deserve more peace than that. I hope that you're working to be your own joyful girl, that you got into the college that had so thoroughly entranced you...and I hope you're surrounded by real-world people as good as the fabricated Rogers' ones.
I love you. I guess that goes without saying. I'm so sorry if this is out of line, if you don't want to hear it, if you need room I'm not giving you. Could you just tell me? It's the faint hope that's so killing. I know that we were temporary, short-lived- and even the definition of that "we" is somewhat ambiguous. I don't want to make more of it than actually was, and I don't want to hold you to anything that will bring pain; I just want you to know that if it isn't painful, and you do need me now, I'm here. I'm always here...not just in the agoraphobic she-has-no-life sense, but in the one that translates to, if fifty years down the line, you're having a rough night, I'm still on the other end of the phone line.
(Though I might have to hear your voice before I call up the courage to answer.) :)
So...there it is. That's all I know to say. Take care, Jenna. White-out nail polish and dislocated shoulders all the way...
Love,
Mary
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