1:20 p.m. - 06/09/02
::let your love cover me / like a pair of angel wings::
Every so often, my dad's "here let me make it better" attitude comes in extremely handy. This moment is one of those times- when his elbow on my arm and his soft promise to do whatever it takes truly does make the pain subside. Temporarily, at least...Or maybe the dose of Dar is helping restore my shoulders to their normal, more hopeful angle. Hard to say with all these variables wandering around, doing their individual bests. Hard to know.
At Red, they say that no one can make you feel, but my mom stretches that limit; she touches on my tears. I asked her about the visit to Sara, and she basically responded with "Sheeaayyahh"...I mentioned something about how when I left and was bawling they both promised that they would drive me back (home) at any time, that this wasn't goodbye, that I *really could* visit. I didn't believe them, truly, but I needed to so badly that eventually I convinced myself their promise was genuine. This is the first time I've taken them up on it: the first time I've sincerely asked to be taken up, and my only stipulation was "sometime this summer." Mom scoffed at my allusion to their so-called promise, and I bit down hard against my tears.
I told her that I thought it was shit that she catered to Joe's every need while he was here, and nothing that I'd asked for recently was allowed to happen. (i.e. my writing workshop, my volunteer job, this visit.) She told me that Joe had wanted her to make the drive with him to L.A. and she had said no (after about two months of honestly trying to make it work; he's going with Dale now.) She also told me that she hadn't said no to the workshop, that I would have been allowed to attend had I asked for a workshop, and that she had told me I could do the volunteer job, to ask for more information. I'm not sure if telling me I "could" was a slip of the tongue; I didn't feel like asking her, but I don't really trust it. What she *did* say was that I could ask for more information, but she didn't think she could do the driving, which means that I can't do it. I did write for information, though. I'm hoping I'll hear from them at the start of this business week...anyway...
As I sat at the kitchen counter crying, she explained to me that of course she would try to help me get up there, but she couldn't do it tomorrow or the next day, and I reminded her that I hadn't stipulated any such time-constraint. Then she said that she would love to just say yes to everything, but she wasn't sure she could do it, so to say yes would be to lie, and she wasn't willing to do that. I was already on my way to a more solitary sob-session (upstairs) so I didn't respond, but I did murmur to my walls something along the lines of, "But you see, you *already promised* this, and so if you aren't doing it, you already did lie."
Then I come down and Dad says, "It's just that we spent 400 more dollars on Joe then we expected to..." (400 dollars would be 2 1/2 of my workshops...)
And Mom says, "If you had to choose between your NY trip" (to visit your sister and see your first-ever-produced play- despite the fact that this trip isn't even certain) "and this trip to Wisconsin, which would you choose?" She went into a wave of logistics, and I just shrugged and shook my head. There's no way I'm choosing between my sister and my Sara. For God's sake, I'm not asking them to fund a major excursion to WI, and it's not as if they're going to fund a trip to NY, I'm just asking them if I can go, if they're willing to drive me there. Mom's adding all these expenses, like food, and I keep explaining that I'll pack food and eat in the car, that I *don't care* - but she refuses to do the same.
She said to me, "It's not like you can't see your friends" but it is like that, and I've just been feeling like I have so few friends, to have her take this away is just too much. I don't know how to make her understand that jumping to logistics isn't ok. That it *isn't* supportive to instantly start problem-solving. Just once I want to ask for something and have her say, "Maybe." Just maybe. Just, "I'll think about this; I'll allow you another one or two days of daydreams before I strip it all away..." Just once, I want her to think in her own head and not take it out on me.
A few years ago, I had never been on an out-of-state vacation and could count the number of in-state vacations on less than one hand. I would have thought a girl ranting because she couldn't visit both Madison and NYC was semi-spoiled, but it's different when I have business engagements/family in one city and trueblue family in another...This isn't like a trip to Disneyworld; this is like the long station wagon trip to visit grandparents. This is a mandatory, non-glitzy vacation which I would expect to spend holed up somewhere talking to Sara.
This is just what I need, and once again, all they can say is, "How long have you been on the phone? More postage to pay for. Yeah, of course, we can drive you *somewhere else.*"
Though I admit...my dad did say he'd find a way to make it work. Sometimes, I think my dad understands matters of family much better than my mom. Though maybe she's right, and he is just the boy who can't say no. Maybe I do have him wrapped around my littlest finger, but the truth is, I don't manipulate that part of him- I really don't. So the fact that I'm letting myself believe him when he says he'll find a way to make it work means that I really need this, and the fact that he's coming to me to make this promise when he wasn't even a part of the conversation makes me think he understands. Makes me hope he does...
I want my family back...I miss my room and my house and my friends and my room and my home and my loves...I have two 'homes' in my head and neither one of them is here.
chord
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