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9:40 a.m. - 06/22/02
[[i can feel this narcolepsy slide...into another nightmare.]]
the hope, basically, is that the combination third-eye-blind/ key-hitting will not make my head feel like a beginner's golf course (?) leading to the use of many more poor metaphors or an abruptly ended entry. the minor switch of light between windows is enough to make me wince, which is not only sad but depressing, and difficult considering that at any given time on the Internet I have about five open windows. (I do not have ADD, I do not have ADD, I do not have ADD...)

so I was glad to see that everyone seems alive this morning, after the entire world disappearing yesterday. (what *was* that about? I think I missed a memo.) the only person who has yet to offer me access to her life is chas (remember chas? remember a very paranoid episode a few night's ago?)...I actually had the good sense to call her yesterday, but she hasn't returned the ring. probably out of town or having some crazy fun time in old N*land-town...I've done an amazingly good job of not letting myself believe that something terrible happened to her. though it would make my life a lot easier if she would confirm this good sense, before the phobias start cackling again.

I ate breakfast and took Motrin. I did not sleep for 24 hours. I should not feel this way. It *is* better than yesterday, but it is still completely unfair, and for some reason, Mom decided to throw all rules out the window and come wake me up this morning. the really annoying thing about this is that she won't be home until four or so, which means I have to wait a good six hours to reprimand her.

one of these days, we're going to develop a parent-child relationship, and I'm going to be so *confused.*

I think I had a dream about Harry Potter last night. the feel of it is still slipping around in the far edges of my brain. I can't call any of it forth to talk about, but it seems I might have had a lovely night. unfortunately, it's all been erased by the Worst Nightmare Ever, which took place for about six hours early this morning. someone explain to me why my subconscious decides to *further* torture me when I'm already in pain...? urgle.

is it bad when the true drama of the morning has been the joy of seeing the sanrio version of the pisces symbol , replaced by the absolute horror of being called 'cow' instead of 'ox' (chinese zodiac) relenting a little at the absolute cuteness of hello kitty in a cow suit? I think I have (new) issues. note to investigators: any sanrio obsession is *completely* Sarah's fault. it is.

yesterday, a woman around my oldest brother's age (i.e. somewhere between 25 and 30) came to visit. she was very lovely, reminded me a lot of V, actually- though a little bit more pagan-spirituality/psychology minded (V is a bit more socio-politically minded) not that this woman Jen didn't have her share of that interest as well. I've realized that I have an almost instant affinity toward people who are surprisingly open. before the visit (of about 4 hours) was over, she and I were already discussing meds, therapy, addiction, religion, and all those other third-year-friendship topics. I like people who skip all the getting-to-know-you bullshit, and just get to know you. probably because within about five minutes of her arrival, I was going, "ok, just ask me what my deal is. please. just ask me to tell you everything about myself, *now.*" certain brands of people have that affect on me.

I'm having major N*land issues again (still?)...I really need to write about this, but for some reason, I just don't want to talk about it here. I think I'm too pissed to admit what I'm feeling. or hurt. or...something. I don't know. all I know is having really good friends and really mixed feelings all tied up in a place that crosses bedford falls with that weirdass Wrinkle In Time town where the kids bounce balls in unison is *not* a good thing.

newly-re-realized scientic law: no matter how much things suck, they will suck more with the help of an eating disorder.

*oh* yes.
chord

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