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3:45 p.m. - 09/16/02
::awaiting ** tears::
I need to cry, but I can't seem to. In some ways, it's nice just to know. I've learned so much about myself; I can tell I'm near a breaking point (like waves breaking, not the china dishes sort) before I actually get there. I can know I need to cry and even when I do, days before it comes. And I don't understand the pause, except when I consciously instate it for my safety, but I'm almost looking forward to it. I need to cry. I'm so very sad about everything. About everyone who is not ok and everyone who is not alive and everyone who is ok but might not stay that way long. I love my friends so much and I'm sad that there is such deep pain in our lives. I'm sad that so many of us are lost or scared or dying. I'm scared, too, but mostly I just need to cry.

Yesterday, I was worried I was getting callous. A few tragedies had occurred and I hadn't broken down. But maybe it isn't callous to be safe in the face of pain, maybe it isn't callous to take care of myself.

It's not as if the tears don't come eventually. It's not as if they don't show themselves, strong and quick and oh-so-plentiful.

Help me breathe.
chord

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