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11:05 p.m. - 09/20/02
::the precipice between groundlessness and flight::~
I discovered "So Much Shouting, So Much Laughter" tonight, and I really do love it. I have most of the songs already, on other albums, but...it's kind of like an Ani-concert-in-a-box. Having had such good experiences at her shows, it's nice to listen to the live work. It connects me to that time and place.

And I'd never heard "To The Teeth" before. And I wish with my whole heart that I could somehow have had that song when Columbine occurred. I think it would have pieced me together, even temporarily. I think it will allow me to mend my wounds with tears, to hear it now. Chills ran through me, from fingers to scalp, when I heard it. And I didn't cry, but I did start to...smile...quietly, like I was safe and ok and understood, like for one moment I was not the Grumpy Girl I've been the past few days, and I realized, that smile was as much a compliment as tears. As deeply felt, as needed, as great a gift to me. As much as I have needed tears, I needed that smile.

In short. I like the song.

I'm doing a little better though I hesitate to discuss the means it took to get me here. I think my uncertainty about whether or not I want to recover or relapse started to translate into action, and though I was not actively restricting (after all, I was not certain I wanted to) I wasn't actively *eating* either. I snacked a little through the day, but I didn't really *eat* breakfast, and I didn't really *eat* lunch, and when Mom and I were out tonight and she was going, "Food. I need food" I felt like I was going to stop breathing right in the middle of the strip mall. She ended up grabbing a bad pretzel while I wandered the store and by the time we regrouped, I was so sick from not having eaten that I felt like I was in last year. We were out in public and I was cranky, tired, dazed. I was scared and underfed and absolutely terrified. And it reminded me. It said, "You haven't lost the ability to do this. You may not be able to be who you were last year, but you can *always* get sick again, and so you better be sure you want it because it isn't so far away as you're letting yourself think. Girl, you better get hold of what you're throwing away before you let it slip out of your hands." It reminded me. That right now living, eating, recovery, these things are my default. I can do them vaguely without a lot of effort. If I'm not sure how I feel, I err on the side of recovery. But it hasn't been that way long, and it wouldn't take much to push me back. Wham. I could be restricting all the time, purging all the time, not living anymore.

Not able to think or feel or breathe. Not even aware I miss those that I do because my head is so foggy from malnourishment and so heavy with tasks. I was trying to walk in the tiles tonight, something I haven't *had* to do in quite some time. I've thought of it occasionally, occasionally been thrown by the fact that I could step on cracks, but being in that store, in this time, with no food...I was nearly tiptoeing again. And I was glaring at the lights and I wanted everyone to go away, and I realized how quickly what I do have, whether it's enough of not, how quickly all of this could slip away. Again.

It wouldn't fix anything. To be sick. It wouldn't give me anything I enjoy or anything I haven't already tried. So I might end up back in the hospital. I'd have to do all the work again, and when I was done, I'd be discharged again. So my freaking out a little food-wise helped my mom catch onto the fact that I am *also* not doing well, which fixed a little of the roughness between us. That doesn't mean my having an eating disorder would work. I tried it already. It gives temporary sort-of-solutions and long-term holy-fuck-now-what-do-I-dos. If I can't deal with this pain now, I definitely can't deal with it at the same time I'm attempting to learn how to eat. I don't want to have to deal with that again, and I know that, but I also know that when I didn't eat I wasn't angry, and I haven't been angry about this the entire past year. I haven't been angry at what I haven't yet recieved or at those I love who've left me. So I must be absolutely terrified. I don't avoid things I think I can handle. I just...I need people to go easy on me a little; I need a reminder that I can do this. Baby steps to the bus. I'll be ok.

I feel more and more like I need to talk to RED. And I think when I'm a bit more grounded, when Dr. R and I are really secure and I know I have an ally No Matter What Happens On The Phone, when I understand more fully what I'm experiencing, I really will call them. I won't let it be over; I won't let the whole three months go by without talking to them. I'll call. I'll call who it's safe to call, Brea or Stacy or Steph, and maybe I won't need to say- right away- "why why why why why" ... maybe I can just say "hi. I'm struggling. I don't have everything I need to have. But I've called and if you'll talk to me, I'll be one step closer to that everything." Maybe, as I start this, I'll be able to talk to them a little again. And build my way back to confessing. To challenging. To saying, "Why did you leave me when you promised not to? Why did you let me go when I begged you not to break the tie? Do you see that it was wrong now? Can you just admit I needed more? Tell me how to get it; I need to know I really can be loved. Please say that you love me; please don't say it was a fabricated world."

There are so many things I need to say, to Rogers and to myself...but I guess I feel like, it can go slowly. I know now that this is a large part of what is going on, so it's ok if it takes me awhile. And I know now that I don't eat because I'm sure I want recovery. I eat because I'm sure I don't want an eating disorder. I may want the hospital, I may want love, I may want attention, and a quick fix to the long-term pain...but...I tried the eating disorder. And I saw how long, how well it worked. Like so many other things, it isn't enough anymore, and I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready to try something new.

Just hold my hand now and then; we'll both be ok...

chord

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