11:05 p.m. - 10/18/02
this/ that/ the other thing.
I'm all sick-like and it's past my bedtime; do bear with me.
I had quite the day, not having slept well (yet again) last night, and waking up still sick and feverish. I really wanted to burrow under my covers and seek some real sleep, but unfortunately, I had a physics test and an American history project to be nervous over, so I crept downstairs and- after a little perusing of boards- hit the books. I started to understand the physics a little better, which is good since the test was today. I think it's one of those situations where it will make perfect sense to me next week, but then- life works that way, sometimes. The test kind of threw me. It only had three questions (multiple parts each, though) and the first one or two were really simple but then the questions got strange. The ones where I knew what I was doing left me less confident, which is annoying. But the jury will remain out until I see a grade. I'm glad I'm done with that for another day or so.
Mistrandy told me that yet another one of my teachers really likes me (despite not having met me), and she- being all nice of course- had decided not to blow my cover. It felt good to hear that from her; I need the extra bit of affirmation, considering all the crud in my head from Neverland. I actually had a handwritten note from a secretary in my invitation to parent-teacher conferences about all the good things she hears and how she wishes she and everyone else could meet me more fully. It did my heart good to see that. They are so the opposite of my old school; in general, it does me good.
As for the Laura-visit, it's still kind of up in the air. I talked to Dr. R about it tonight, which was really wonderful. It's interesting how different I feel talking to him on the phone. I think I end up sounding like a pretty together ten-year-old, which is probably more accurate than who I am in his office. When I'm out of my house and definitely when I'm with people, I try to appear more my age, even though I have these parts that feel so young. It's easier to be honest in that regard on the phone; I find myself talking kind of softly, but not shyly, and making silly jokes. I think I sound younger but talk more which is interesting. It's also just cool to talk to him in such a "normal" way- especially on a night like tonight, when I'm really not struggling. We even went on little joking tangents, like our relationship was not solely professional. I like that, even though I'm scared to like him too much. I know it's too late for that, but knowing doesn't stop the fear.
So I reviewed the little conundrum with him, throwing in the random details I forget people don't know. I told him how I love Laura and have to see her, but I'm worried about returning to Neverland. How their schedule is always crazy busy, and I don't want to challenge it by asking to meet somewhere else, because occasionally flexibility is not her strong suit, and I'm scared to bring that out. I told him how there isn't a whole lot of non-scary ground in my old town, especially not knowing who could pop out of the woodwork, and although the middle school- because the people were so good to me- is generally a good place, it's a new building built my freshman year, and I had to sneak in all the time because high schoolers weren't supposed to be there. Thus, I have a bit of nervousness being in that building as well. Mostly random things like that which he mulled over with me. We thought out loud, which was cool; I like solving problems with people who are as clueless/clue-full as I am- no more, no less. I worked a physics problem that way with Mistrandy, and it was cool. I'm less afraid to talk- maybe my inhibition or my idea is just as valid. Definitely a new concept.
Anyway, he just got a good idea of what my fears/ needs were, and then we decided I should go to Laura with it, and not ask for anything specific- just point out the catches in this seemingly perfect meetings. It's not asking anything of her, other than to understand or maybe brainstorm, and even if I do end up meeting with her on Main street in Neverland, at least she'll know why I look a little green. I just finished an e-mail to her on it, and I'm supposed to update the doc on how things unfold once they've, erm, unfolded.
Otherwise, I've spent the day being sick. I still feel like the hours are extremely full, and I'm not completely sure how to deal. Journaling, for instance, is weird because I want to talk about my thoughts/ feelings and there's too much *going on* I must discuss. Thoughts and feelings kind of get caught up in that lately, though I've tried not to ignore them. I went on a rant against my old guidance counselor today (to myself), likely because I'm thinking about being back there for a day, and I struggle a bit much with how things can never be perfect because Tracy's gone. I was in the middle of the latter one when the proverbial school bell rang, but I turned to my head and said, "Help me through. I'll come back to this." It felt better than throwing myself out of the feeling into work. I guess I do enough of that compulsively.
I'm ready for some sleep and magic solutions. Dr. R said the ideal solution would be to erase my memory of Neverland for a few hours, and I asked if he'd found his fairy wand yet. He said he's looking, and I'm glad because goodness knows we could use it. I have a collection of fairy wands, actually (and a single set of wings) which I might have to bring him a sample of. During my fairy obsession they were a favorite gift from friends. Which is cool.
Oh, and I just got off the phone with Sarah, discussing the next play. The next play. It's crazy, but I feel more sure of the process now, even after the one show, and I'm feeling good about this piece. I like it a great deal better than I did the last script. Even though they made the last piece amazing. Damn. I'm so glad I wrote that. Go back in time and tell my thirteen-year-old self that Rachel's going to hug her and say, "Thank you for the text." Me-then would simply float. Me now then, does a bit as well...
I think that's everything, except for the other-responses-to-performances which I keep forgetting to mention. I want to wait again, though, because my stomach hurts, it's late, and the storm outside is the perfect soundtrack for good sleep.
Wind and watter battling calms me somehow. I think my dark forces call a truce to make sure we're safe in the short-term. Or maybe gusts of rain pelting a rooftop really is the best sound ever. Except for the voices of loves, one of whom I will hug next week. Eep.
This will be good.
chord
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