11:45 p.m. - 10/31/02
the wobblin' goblin with the broken broom...
My head is all anvils and bowling balls at the moment. It's a sculpture made from sinus blockage; it is not a pretty picture. Note to self: physics and colds do not mix prettily.
Because of this I am going to sleep. But first I want to tell this journal that today: I walked around in the first Halloween get-up that has ever sparked me to say, "I'd actually wear this when it wasn't Halloween" (I'm getting so cocky in my nonconformity- whoo!). I found physics enjoyable. I felt really at home at something-fishy. I managed to get really triggered at something-fishy. I survived being triggered without giving into the urges that could possibly numb feelings I thought would break me (whether I helped them or not). I realized that my next appointment with Tammy in the one-year anniversary of when Tracy died; (I nearly stopped breathing.) I went to my brother's apartment and watched one of my all-time favorite holiday movies: The Canterville Ghost with Sir John Gielgud. I went to my brother's apartment and did not count the number of pizza-pieces I ingested. I went to my brother's apartment and sang impromptu lyric that is recorded for posterity, and makes me sound far more ill than I am, and far more drunken than I ever hope to be. I went to my brother's apartment and had fun.
Today, I also sent Laura a note about something she sent me, and followed her reply with The Truth About How I Felt regarding the N*land visit. I waited for a response to a late birthday card I sent Brooke, and I planned to call Sara but copped out when my anxiety about well-everything made the phone seem a little bit too dangerous a push. I also planned to write an in-depth entry on Halloweens past and present, but I seem to have copped out of that, too. I'm in the process of writing Katie, and I'm halfway through a letter to Silje. Today, I found a letter I thought was sent weeks ago, but it least it explains why the recipient has not responsed. I am currently trying to decide if feeling like there are party-guests breaking bottles in my head is reason to postpone a psych exam. Urrrgh.
I need to be told (today) that my geometry teacher was wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. I need to be told that I am not lazy or stupid or careless. I need to know that looking after myself, emotionally and physically, does not make me a delinquent.
Can I learn that without calling in sick tomorrow?
chord
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