6:25 p.m. - 12/28/02
*this is not my fault.]]
I'm at my dad's office again. It's a room in this old house that I swear has no heat, let alone any insulation. I'd be wearing my coat right now, but the bulky sleeves make it difficult to type, so here I am, in a red tank and black fishnet shirt freezing my fingers off.
I had an interesting session with Dr. R today. I was going to say good, and maybe that's still accurate. It might be accurate to say the session was good, even though it didn't really feel that way. Somehow or another we ended up talking about Internet relationships (i.e. one small portion of the relationshit), or more specifically Internet relationships gone awry.
I told him about Billy today. I never had the words for that before. One significant word (Billy/ Crow) was missing, but other than that I seemed to get them out. And he didn't make me say the age, which was the word I had such trouble giving Judie. He said something about young men, and I said one of them wasn't so young, and his "around your parent's age" guess was close enough that I didn't feel the need to specify. We talked for awhile about how isolated I was at that point, due to illness, due to environment, and due to fear. I was missing increasing amounts of school, not talking to anyone or feeling understood when I was there, and struggling at home. According to the doctor, despite the fact that developing on-line relationships was not considered normal among my peers, it was a healthy way of reaching out in a desperate situation. According to the doctor, the fact that I put forth so much effort to have relationships in which I felt safe being myself (oddly enough, I could only do that on-line) is just more proof that I do not have an attachment disorder. I probably have the opposite of an attachment disorder. Yes, according to the doctor, I am not stupid, I didn't use bad judgment, and I did not deserve what I got.
Nice thoughts, all of them, but this seems to be one area where my shame stays strong. The word Internet makes me sick inside; it honestly does. It means something like "place for (overweight?) and insecure freaks to develop unhealthy relationships in an alternate and less real reality. A place where bad things happen to bad people who should know better." I'm not entirely sure how relationships like those I've developed with Julian and Cami (who I exemplify because they're the only two who've visited me in the off-line world) fit into that definition, but I know it's how I connotate the word. I'm struck writing it by the fact that I call it a less-real reality; I wonder how that plays in with my feelings about Rogers after I was told it was a fabricated world. Maybe there's something in the idea that two influences which helped sustain/ save my life were deemed unhealthy. It's unhealthy to need to be hospitalized or to stay in the hospital forever. It's unhealthy to spend time on-line. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.
As far as what I believe, I still think I'm stupid. "I guess you're not going to be convinced otherwise just yet," he said near the end when I reiterated the statement. Not yet. I'm still waiting to be told that I was warned, still waiting for the "I told you so" response I thought I avoided by not telling anyone off-line what was happening to me in cyberspace. We talked about that response a little bit, about my feeling that I went against the warnings and therefore brought the pain on myself. He brought up the rape analogy- I shouldn't have been alone that late, I shouldn't have been in that parking lot, I shouldn't have worn what I did...That really is a large part of how I feel. And like in the rape analogy, (a part I didn't think to tell him yet), I also feel I must have wanted it. Maybe there's just some part of me that can't accept the fact that I had so little control in the situation (as it escalated; I generally believe I have a voice in my relationships, but I was very sick and very vulnerable at that time). It might just be how scared I am of relationships, but I feel like the fact that I "sought out" and "fraternized with" guys online proves that I really do want that. Down to wanting to be hurt and threatened and told I'm awful. I mean, why would I let it continue if I didn't want it?
I know what a stupid thought that is. Scratch that. I know intellectually that such thinking is probably inaccurate. However. I can't get past it. I really do think I must want this. I must want to be harrassed and hurt and emotionally raped, or I wouldnt't put myself in situations like I have. I need to talk about that with him. I may not be able to believe anything he says yet, but I want to hear the outside argument against such thoghts. I want to brave my "I can't tell you about this because you'll think I'm having trouble with (certain) guys because I'm suffocatin my Real Desire to be romantic and sexual with them" thoughts, if only by voicing it. I want to hear that no one should have said that, whether or not they did. That no person deserves to be raped as a lesson that she desires sex. That no rape deserves to be minimized because the victim was a "prude" and the violent crime "probably did her good."
That's what I think...in terms of the metaphor. That's what I expect others to say.
But I'm not evil. And I'm not stupid. And a few years ago when I was desperately sick and unsupported, I acted on healthy needs the best (if sometimes unhealthy) ways that I knew how. I don't need to be ashamed of my on-line relationships anymore than I need to be ashamed of having an eating disorder. I did what I knew to do at the time, I ended up in a lot of pain, I grew as a person, and I work to keep myself out of that pain now. I know a lot about relationships now that I didn't then. I know a lot about life that I didn't then.
I want to forgive myself. I just need to be reminded I deserve that.
chord
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