2:55 p.m. - 01/28/03
\::if there's anything left, you need it now::/
What I want to matter: the fact that I have used absolutely no destructive behaviors to survive the past- very difficult- week, despite the fact that the doc is gone. What I feel matters: that I've completely broken down this past week "without him." That I'm apparently incapable of excelling on my own at this point. That everyone can see what a mess I am without therapy. That I'm really (obviously) not so strong as we thought. "It's all him. It's not me." That's what I feel matters.
The latest mess has to do with never having a fight with my sister, with always following in her shadow, with wanting to be her when I grow up until the time I nearly was. I was on an e-mailing spree a day or two ago (I had just sent that note to Winter Machine that I promised myself I'd write) and I decided to e-mail my sister to ask that my name be changed with the company in keeping with it being changed virtually everywhere else. (Virtually has to do with school, where I can't exactly write it on worksheets without confusing the sh*t out of people who haven't even met me.) The conversation has gone something like this.
me: I don't want to f*ck up the mission statement or anything, but would it bug you much if we changed the way my last name is listed on the website? Lastname --> Brave? I've been going by that far more often these days, and it's weird to have it not continuous at the website. Let me know.
her: um, seriously? you're actually changing your name? I mean, i guess i'll do it if you want, but it makes me feel wierd because you're taking away our shared name as sisters... why do you want to change it?
(key words to notice: "seriously?" "actually." "you're taking away." after reading this I became very much upset, but decided I'd rather let it go- for the moment- than fight for something that isn't even necessary right now. I didn't feel like it was worth explaining; if it is later, I will. so I continued.)
me: yeah, ok. let's just leave it for now, and if it really starts to bug me at some point, we can change it. and it does say we're sisters in the mission statement, so I don't think that'd be particularly compromised if we changed it at some point.
and yes, I am going by this basically everywhere. except in school of course and legal things, where it's complicated. I'm not legally changing it or anything. ::huggle::
her: so it's like a pen name thing?
that's cool. I don't care about it saying we're sisters on the website... i just felt that if you were changing your name, it took something away from us as sisters... you know what i mean? not about the website... about us....
if it's more like a pen name, that's totally swell... is that more what you mean?
(no. that's not what I mean. actually, that's the exact opposite of what I mean. this is who I am outside of all my old personas, including "the writer." this is the exact opposite of a pseudonym. it's my real name. I started bawling then. I wanted to say, "you know what- it's actually very stupid. it's just a word; it doesn't mean anything." but that's bullshit, and hypocritical bullshit coming from me. I believe- I know- that words have power, and the power this choice has is the *reason* I went through with it. it's the reason I've gone to the trouble and asked all my friends to go through the trouble of calling me this. but it has nothing to do with not being her sister. it has everything to do with being myself. and it just really feels to me like she's saying, "if you're yourself, we aren't as much like sisters." which is what I've been scared of for a year now. that if I establish myself as different from her, and happily so- instead of just different from her in the manners that I can't live up to her, or that I haven't achieved yet- we'll lose our relationship. I don't know how to say that to her. I don't think she intends me to feel this way, and I don't think she understands. I really don't know if she's ever been in a sibling's shadow. I really don't think she can take a step back and see what our absolutely beautiful relationship kept me from being. Or that no longer being that person does not mean I want to lose the beautiful relationship. I just want the right to be in it as myself, instead of as this person I've pretended to be. what is wrong with that? why don't they understand?)
me: the truth is I don't see it as a pen name...I guess I believe that *every name* is inside us, and we can summon strength by calling ourselves one thing or another right now. there's huge meaning in this word for me- beyond the obvious- and right now it's how I see myself. terrifying as it is, I need an idenitity of my own right now, something that is all me, and this fits. it doesn't mean I want to be any less sisters. just the idea of that is agonizing. I just want to be more me in the process. who knows if it's permanent or what it means? I guess I just always believe in the power of words, and right now I need that power in my corner. it helps...
sorry I haven't called you back. I've been crazy anxious lately and am not doing too well with the phone. it's a really rough time and the doctor's out of town, so things are a bit crazed. please don't take it personally. the brave thing or the phone. it's about me. it has nothing to do with how much I love you or want you in my life. because those things are given, always, and immense.
.......
that's the most recent note. I don't know where to go beyond it. I just feel like it's such a simple thing to understand, and the fact that she doesn't understand it, makes me need it more. it makes the decision to claim myself, and the differences between myself and my family, seem even more necessary. it also makes it seem selfish, violent, unfair, and more painful than I can tolerate...
damnit. why does "I'm me" always end up reading "and thank God because it means that I'm not you."
I was just trying to say who I am.
chord, who calls herself atoms
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