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9:45 p.m. - 01/04/02
read the dictionary. it will help you. really.

Dictionary of [Mostly] Cool People And [Not Completely] Uncool Terms

ADD- Attention Defecit Disorder (my dad has Type 2 of this)

agoraphobia- generally confused for a fear of leaving the house; agoraphobia is actually the fear of entering situations that have caused anxiety or panic attacks in the past, or which one feels might do so now...it leads to isolation, sometimes as severe as not leaving the house (and I have it)

Andy- friend of mine, new to Neverland our sophomore year; he used to sing me showtunes throughout the school day and he played the Doctor Einstein to my Abby

Anna- RED resident who arrived about a week before I left, liked the outdoors and animals

Anna-(dos) my very admirable cousin; my sister's age; lived with us when I was in third grade and has since become my hero for speaking up about her own reality

Beth- staff member (RC) from the hospital, who randomly worked on our floor during this silly switch-period they had for the sole purpose of screwing with my head, who talked very nicely, and helped me go on an actual *outing*

Beth (Ann) - absolutely beyond wonderful sister in my Brave family

Bette- an interim therapist I saw a few times when a crazy doctor-man convinced Judie she would kill me because she wasn’t an ED specialist

Billy- we used to be really close (on-line) or...we used to think we were really close...or...we used to need to think we were really close, and maybe we were, but it's since been sadly tainted

Body memories- weird physical aches/sensations/et cetera that follow triggers or discussion of trauma … or just show up because they felt like dropping in

Brea- staff member (RC) at RED; dancer; extremely fun supportive woman who helped me to learn a lot about myself; first person to promise me that no matter what I did they would not leave; I introduced her to the half-double crochet stitch; she introduced me to Spongebob

Brigadoon- the town where my dad grew up, where he and nearly all of his relations have settled; (the mythical Scottish town that disappears every nightfall for a hundred years...i.e. a bit behind the times)

Britt- on-line friend who treats me like gold and apologizes for it…of all things!

Brittany- red resident who lives quite near to me, extremely vibrant and energetic, came into Rogers just 4 days before me

Bronwyn- lovely woman who ran the IOP; rather gentle, strong, etc- she was the soft-push type

Brooke- my best friend from first grade to fourth, who I continued to love long afterward, and who I have semi-regained contact with (beyond the eternal telepathic kind)

Cami- darling on-line friend who writes like god and whisks me away to the gargoyle-apartment when I'm overwhelmed

Cat- full-time RC at RED; she worked on the first floor while I was there, except for about a week she spent with us- now she works firsts with Stephanie on my old floor

Charlie- classmate from my old hometown; a grade ahead of me, we had one awful night together that ended up with us in a dead car in a field in the middle of nowhere

Chas- a dearheart angel who saved my life when I was fourteen and has been a focus of it since

Chelsea- younger resident at RED, who struggled with a lot of similar issues on larger scales, now discharged

Chelsie- daughter of an old friend of my mom's; I spent a weekend at her house once, and though little happened, the fear was, I guess, traumatic

Chiara-actor that works with the company I write for/ founded (RMM)

Constable Whiskers- d*land mascot

Country Doctor- old atom nickname for Dr. R

Dad- my loving father-man who suffers from major clinical depression, and occasionally drives me crazy by spending all day in a chair staring at the wall, remembering to be a workaholic, walking out, etc

Dale- my oldest brother, who means well, but tends to be controlling (only because he always knows exactly what will make everyone else have an incredibly good time!…I mean…I think he…I mean…oh, wait he just thinks he does); our relationship has improved recently through a common interest in weird card games

Darwin- my zine (and you know, the first evolutionary scientist)

Dave- therapist at RED, whose methods, while a bit overbearing, were effective; he's the kind you're grateful for in hindsight

Dean- another person from YPI who was very cool

Dela- the altogether impossible girl who I wouldn't believe in, if I hadn't met her; she's teaching me a lot about how simple (and how astonishing/ rewarding) the choice to be who you are might be

Denise- writer who I worked with a few summers, very affirming of my writing and supportive of my recovery

[email protected]#$%^- the town (in the county of the land of Oz), in which I lived- or, tried to...after discharge (and finally moved from in August 2002!)

Dixie- RED's "southern belle;" she and I were roommates for the first half of my stay; I saw her come back to life and I well with sisterly pride whenever she does well, recently got married (i.e. majorally sent me off my rocker)

Dodie- good friend of my mom's who donated $10,000 to help me receive care at Rogers and therefore must be forever blessed by gods and goddesses alike or I'm taking the universe *down*

Dr. R- my very gentle (very atypical) psychiatrist who does things like give me r/x’s stating I should trust myself

Dwight- staff (recreational therapist) at RED, who was extremely grounded and spiritual, helped me discover my own strength and bravery, and understand my body as a powerful tool instead of a fault-museam

Ed- not-so-loving nickname used for general eating disorders and mine in particular

EDNOS-Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, one of many more "general" diagnoses used for insurance purposes because the criteria for anorexia, bulimia, etc are too fucking specific

Ellen- another floor’s therapist at RED, the very cool woman who ran the trauma group I went to twice a week

exchanges- generally, "exchanges" refer to the nutritional value attributed to certain foods in my meal plan, which is based on the diabetic exchange system

Flat World- metaphor referring to a system of beliefs I continue to fight in which negative events are explained through shaming thoughts and self-deprecation

Frank-really good-natured RC from RED, who tended to work on lower level, but occasionally graced our floor with his presence for a night or two

Gary- Spongebob's meowing pet snail; (my favorite character)

Godd- used when I'm irreverantly referring to "God" - whom I do not call God, but others do rather importantly; it's my way of not stepping on anyone's spirtuality and still being able to say, "Oh, for Godd's sake!" etc

Hampshire- alternative, liberal arts college in Mass. that I desperately wanted to attend (often referred to as the please-god-college) but was rejected from (yes, they're crazy)

Harriet- sometimes gentle, often unpredictable therapist-woman I started seeing soon after my return from RED; we struggled quite a bit to communicate and though there were some good points, I ended up leaving (despite her unhappiness about this) due to somewhat 'irreconcilable differences' after about 4 months

Heather- very lost, very sweet girl who came into RED just before I left and seemed to really connect with me (she was willing to talk with me, of all people) who I feel really sad thinking of, (I lost contact with her) and who I hope is doing *really* well

Heather- (dos) a best friend/ partner in crime from my middle school years; one of a handful of people who can always make me laugh

Hogwarts- Harry Potter term I use in reference to the performing arts high school I strongly considered applying to

IOP- (supposedly) intensive out-patient program that I attended sporadically after my return from RED

Jen- staff (RC) at RED who started working not long before I left; she ate dinner at my table her first night and was really cool; she also worked third my last night and she talked to me when I woke up in the middle of the night- she belongs there

Jenifer- staff member (art therapist) from RED, who helped me a lot with my abandonment pain, and sparked the beginning of the perception-validation-project

Jenna- deargirl (resident) from RED, who was my first outlet for the somewhat inevitable is-everyone-homophobic-rants that surfaced amid the girls there; she painted my toenails with white-out and nearly broke my arm (i.e. I love her)

Jimmy- family friend; Kim’s very cool artist husband

Joe- my middle brother who, since moving out, actually laughs at my jokes (and can basically bring me to hysterics in one line) - just graduated college and is in the process of building up a news-production resume so he can move to LA

John- my darling brother (21 yrs), the musicial prodigy, bodyguard, and founder of "Mary Go Round"

John- (numero dos) Dodie's husband: 1/2 of the $10,000 save-mary's-life donation, and therefore the man whose feet I will forever grovel at

Jordan- Brea’s daughter, who is reportedly Brea-in-miniature, and who I will probably warp profoundly if I ever meet her simply because I think her mom’s so fabulous, and I *know* how detrimental that can be

Judie- the very gentle, compassionate therapist-woman who restored my faith in the profession when I began seeing her January of my sophomore year; switched to Harriet after I came back from the hospital, but she and I still keep in touch off-and-on

Julie/Julian- the currently happy!, formerly androgynous!, elfling who contacted me very early in the atomgirl days, and, has been a good friendling ever since; any entries from before she changed her name (to her real name) will call her "Julie," but I'm referring to the same person

Karen- staff member (Pool RC) from RED; helped admit me; always wanted me to come and talk with her, always listened; the only one who was always hugging me...

Kat- my secret sister

Kat- staff member (Pool RC) from RED; reminded me a great deal of our family friend, Kim; very down-to-earth and intelligent (in human terms); would make a better therapist than Dave :-)

Katherine- quiet, talented member of this summer's writer's group; real potential as an author and a being

Katia- RED resident who helped me through a lot and gave me many tips about keeping up recovery after I left the hospital; wanted me to get a kitty (still waiting)...don't have her home address and really wish she'd write me

Katie- best friend from my freshman year of high school (she was a senior); very energetic, very passionate, very short (:)), and very religious

Katie- exuberant little woman who participated in this summer's writing workshop

Kim- friend of the parents (and I hope me), a woman so spiritually grounded she seems airborn

Lainie- staff member (RC) from RED, who initially was very triggering for me, but whom I eventually developed an ok relationship with, known for pushing and being bubbly

Lara- friend of my mom's who's always really sweet to me

Laura- mentor/angel/lifesaver who trained my school's drama group and who now sends me beautiful e-mails on a regular basis

Leah- staff member (RC) at RED, who usually worked with Lainie; asked me once if I thought she didn't like me, and was disappointed to hear me say yes (I was lying); came after me the night I "ran away"

Leann- somewhat unpredictable dietican at RED, who pretty much everyone was either scared of or disliked, but for some reason was always really nice to me; she gave me a hug one of my last days when I was crying about having to go home, and when I told her what was wrong, she actually offered to adopt me; she's really not so scary as her profession makes her seem

Lindsey/Linds- one of my "oldest" d-land friends; she's actually younger than me but I usually forget that

Lisa- staff member (experiential therapist) at RED, who was kind enough to do one-on-one work with me (psychodrama, etc); helped me through a lot of my anxiety and the issues with my mom

Lori- class behind me in school; some character in Lori, perhaps her unassuming nature combined with self-assurance, made me desperately want to be her sophomore year

Mandy- another lifesaver from my eighth grade year, a dear friend, (almost) the sole reason I enjoy algebra, and one of many reasons I enjoy *life*

Marybeth- friend of my parents who has recently become a true friend of mine; she even drove extremely out of her way to visit me in the hospital- where we had one of our special deep talks

Matt- a (really sweet) friend of my from Neverland, who laughed at my jokes and worried over my lack of religion

Mistrandy- my homebound tutor who has a good sense of humor not to mention a good heart

Mortal City- codename of my current residence (as inspired by Dar Williams)

Mom- goddess of the extreme - either makes me fuzzy or furious

MPC-a psych center I considered volunteering at

Nana- family name for my paternal grandmother, who nursed me through many a childhood sickness on a strict regimen of Little Debbie’s, tuna fish sandwiches, and game shows

N*land-see Neverland

Narnia- the scary throwback-to-the-50s town where my dad lived during the work week (a few hours from [email protected]#$%^), for a short period before his resignation

Neverland- the town I grew up in (age 1 to age 16); we moved (to a place equally in the middle of nowhere) when my mom took a new job; often referred to as N*land

Nikki- member of both summer's writing groups, quick to laughter, extremely enthusiastic

OCD- obsessive-compulsive disorder

Oz- nickname for the state I live in now (i.e. [email protected]#$%^, Oz or Mortal City, Oz)

Paul- Laura's husband, also an amazing person

Paul-a member of the class ahead of me who died my sophomore year

Rae- the first person who talked to me at RED; the genuine darling who taught me to crochet

Randy- very cerebral doctor-man who ran the IOP

Rebecca- former producing manager at YPI, who I began to adore within minutes of arriving at their office; has now moved on to (hopefully) better things, but still keeps in touch like the cool chica she is

RED- the eating-disorder-treatment clinic where I underwent my residential care (home...)

RMM-- experimental theater company founded by my sister and I; focuses a lot on breaking the boundaries of theater and discussing "women's issues" (after all, those are the issues we've experienced)

Rogers- the hospital that RED was a facet of; the best treatment facility *ever*

Rosie- incredibly inspiring resident at red; I think if there's one person passionate enough to never quit fighting, it's her

Ruth- literary manager at YPI, who I spent quite a bit of time talking to, and who was really supportive, not just of my writing, but of me (she gives good hugs, this woman – and she has the grandest of eyes)

SAD- Social Anxiety Disorder (also known as Mary’s arch-nemesis, grrrrr)

Sara- resident at RED who I became very exclusive with very quickly, but we eventually got it to a cool healthy point – slightly more exposed to cultural diversity than most of the population there and with a fond love for Ani-Dar-esque music (as well as over-analyzing- huzzah!); we're basically life-sisters now; we've kept in touch and she means the world; also, her name is (generally) pronounced like Star-a without the t

Sara- (dos) now referred to as staff-twin-Sara; RC who started working at RED during my stay there; seemed far more qualified for the job the day she began than a few of the veterans; told me one of her first nights that she had a hard time remembering we (the residents) had eating disorders- she just saw so much more to us than that (hello, sanity…)

Sarah- my actual sister, who, despite our twinly connection is actually 6 yrs older than me; she is taking NYC by storm (mwa ha ha)

Sarah-Delancey - see Dela

Scott-a great friend of mine from Neverland; very buoyant, energetic type (does tiger jumps in the middle of a choir rehearsal); amazing vocal talent...we had many good talks about being outside the small-town box

SCASID- my term for my illness as a whole: Scarcity Control Abandonment Shame Identity Disorder

sf- The Something Fishy Website On Eating Disorders (specifically the bulletin boards I used to frequent)

Shandi- best friend from middle school; she's been with me through a lot of the hell

Shannon- dearling member of my family becoming; she advises without patronizing, encourages without minimizing, and loves seemingly without condition (she's spectacular)

Shannon- body image specialist/ graduate student who works with the IOP I attend; does cool things like talk about books and laugh when we say the same treatment cliche at the same time

Shawn- (occasionally misspelled as Sean) other client in the outpatient program I was in, went inpatient just before I left but has since discharged and (drum roll) is doing well!! :)

Silje- Norwegian resident at RED while I was there; friend from the trauma group; promised to rap speak with me, and whisk me off to Norway once she's discharged; sweetheart (update: now home!!!)

someforce- used in replacement of "someone" when discussing love, as in "God", which I don't generally see as a person so much

Spongebob- cartoon character who has a similar whine to mine, or so my brother says; hooked on him since RED (though Gary, the meowing snail, is my true favorite)

Stacy- staff member (full time RC) at RED, who ended up being one of my main confidantes (so much so it pissed off the therapist there); the original combatant of my flat-world beliefs

Stephanie- staff member (full time RC) who usually worked with Stacy; great fun to talk to, told me that I changed the most of anyone she's worked with; took a lot of walks with me; played volleyball and hated being cold

Stephanie- (dos) former client of the IOP I went to a few days a week, “graduated” a few weeks after I began

Stewert- non-remoreseful, creepy boyman who abused me when I was bitsy; found out about it somewhat randomly when I was 13

Steve- my sister's artist boyfriend who makes Pythagorus's relationship with math seem like a hobby

Superdoc-yet another nickname for my psychiatrist, Dr. R, who doesn't actually have super powers, but often seems to

Tammy- the dietician I've been working with since I was diagnosed with bulimarexia in January

The Therapist Who... woman very much admired by Dr. R, who I may or may not begin seeing at some point; currently has too many clients to take pity on my desperate situation (sob)

Tillie- my darling alter-ego, protagonist of The Effect of Gamma Rays On Man-In-The-Moon Marigolds

Tracy- light; my roommate, may she be peaceful now

Tracy Bonham- really cool girl-with-guitar musician who would be fabulously good boxing accompaniment; Brea turned me onto her with the song “Mother, Mother”

Zach- a faded on-line friend I've almost lost to suicide on several non-consecutive occasions

Zillah- paranoid sister-child with many brilliant monologues in the Tony Kushner play "A Bright Room Called Day"

 

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