10:57 a.m. - 03/20/03
that was now. this is then.
Sketching
you are poetry in a language
greater than the one I know
cellular and solid, chemical.
your atoms are the area where
science and magic meet.
no wonder every sketch I
make of you seems incomplete.
the phrases are your muscles
dancing back against the walls
of tendons. each of your
vocal cords calls out to me. with
its own rhythm. its own moves.
the theories that I postulate
your pure existence proves.
it's true. I can't recreate that
nor would I want to, maybe. perhaps
that power would overwhelm in time.
forced to face the consequences
compelled by doctor frankenstein,
I might break down entirely.
but then, I break without you, too.
I've tried almost every word now
and none of them seem true
enough. you know? none of them
quite catch the seamlessness
managed in your skin. the
remarkable juxtaposition of wisdom
with honest innocence. I shape
words into your form, only to watch
them fall, like clouds. like liquid
not to be contained. I'm saying
I lost you again. I'm forgetting
to ask that magic question:
when you died, Tracy,
what remained?
that's the sixth sense I want
the capability to see, fully
what I need to see, to certify
without one doubt, you visit me
I wonder what you think when
the only words I have are tears
I wonder what it's like to witness
me. my love. my grief. nears
unbearability sometimes. I
wonder what it does to you to
watch the struggle behind which
years go by.
there's something behind your
seamless skin. some unattainable
point where your essence begins.
it's out of reach.
so I've quit trying to
introduce your story to a world
who can't ever know
how much I was allowed to know
and just let you teach
all those things you teach.
but I miss your skin. your voice.
your tears. your eyes. I miss
the time when you, talking
in your sleep was my lullaby.
I miss waking to hear you tell me
what I'd dreamed. I miss you.
silly as that seems when you're
still here. I no longer trust
my vision. it misses so many
important presences. but I
trust you. to keep coming back
no matter where it is you journey to
to understand and not be injured
by my tears. I trust you
to go as far away as you have had to
go. and still be here.
�
�
