9:24 p.m. - 03/30/03
up and down & down and up.
So, to be all businessy for a moment, caged really needs some submissions (it's a *community* diary, eh? and you don't have to think too hard about what you write because you can always submit again if you have more to say) and I created (yet another) new diaryring. This one for those who support people with eds. I'm learning what a difficult job that is, not that I'd trade my friends for the world. The name is a little misleading, but the note disclaims any wrong ideas so hopefully there won't be any problems. A girl can dream. And meanwhile, a girl can act...
I'm just in one of those moods where I feel like anything I haven't tried, I want to. If there's more I can do, hand it to me. It's the fault of my psych assignment. I had to watch this triumph-of-the-spirit inspirational movie for class, and what do you know, it actually *was* inspirational. I'd been thrashing around in pretty deep depression, so the mood I'm in now (part energy high, partly hopeful) is a definite achievement.
I guess it's partly the aftermath of yesterday, partly the continuous stressors, and partly because of isolation today due to a decision I made. My brother Joe's birthday is tomorrow, and my parents drove up to see him today. I wanted to go, too, but I was so completely stressed out about school and about everything, and I realized last night that if I had today and tomorrow to work on school (rather than to squeeze school into the cracks of visiting) I would effectively cut my anxiety in half. I took the time, which meant dealing with a day and a half entirely alone (which is good in terms of not being with my parents and bad in terms of the ever-so-constant solitude) and the fact that I bailed even though I "owe" Joe. But I did get quite a bit done today, and I do feel a little less like my heart will explode simply because tomorrow is Monday. This weekend has made me hugely glad that the doc and I are working to see each other on non-school days. Hopefully, with that commitment changed, I'll successfully manage to keep school in check. (I'd already have managed it, honestly, if my mom would quit making commitments for me without any regard to my schoolwork.) Bah.
I'm also very much looking forward to the two approaching school-free weeks. Spring break is the week before the play (had I known that I would have gone up that week), and the week of the play I am, obviously, in NYC, so I'll have 14 days without having to give a single thought to my assignments. Oh, glorious rest break. And New York. Mmm, New York.
In the meantime, I'm hard at work on the next project(s)- absorbed to the point I've nearly forgotten which one is about to go up ... The "monster piece" (which I've tentatively titled "Steadfast the Night") - consisting of the YPI-winning-play, possibly the last play, this play, and one more - has been my main concern, but I've been working on two pieces with only a vague suspicion of which was meant to be the last installment for this project. Unfortunately, it's the play I like less, but I really did feel it was a more appropriate place for the story to go. After talking to Sarah today, I sent her the script, and she (loved it! thank God and) made some comments about how it was a strong piece that went through themes the current piece already explored and maybe we want one last problem instead of just a summary, but this one that I sent her should still be staged, etc. Well, that thrilled me; I have to say. I sent her the script for the other piece (which I prefer), feeling confident that if we choose to use that piece instead, the other will still be produced. This is important because the other is something I started after EDAW, when I really felt the need to talk about my ed. It's hard-core vulnerable. I mean it. It's my story minus as much of the code as I know exists. I'd want to see it go up either during EDAW (birthday present) or around August 21st (other-birthday present) or I suppose around November 10th (my discharge date.) It needs to go up. For reasons that have nothing to do with my being a playwright and other people being audience members. I don't care much about either of those realities right now. Did I mention it's written in verse? Yeah. No one has to like it; I just need to see it staged. And cry my eyes out at the power of my voice.
(Voice? You have a voice, too! Use your voice!)
As for what happened yesterday (the shame attack), I'm thinking I need to bring it up with the doc. Especially since we might start That Thing (systematic desensitization, i.e. phobia-fighting) after this next appointment. I'm not sure if the anxiety caused the shame (shame kept me out of situations which would make me anxious) or the shame caused the anxiety (embarrassed by situations, I became anxious about being in them), but either way there's a definite link. I think the anxiety probably came first. I think the shame was a really, really effective way of keeping myself out of those situations. To say it was defense doesn't make it any less real. It wouldn't have worked if it weren't so well-developed. Fucking shame. It's certainly well-developed.
I think I'll feel safer if I talk with him about it before we do anything. I remember what happened when my shame took over (perhaps the worst it ever had) while working with Harriet. I need to be safe with him even when that burns. I need to have vocalized it so it has less chance of getting in the way. Urgh. It's so hard to voice the state in which you feel you shouldn't say anything. It's so hard to explain that tension, that fire, that fear. I will try, though.
And after that, maybe I'll write a nourish entry. Doesn't she seem neglected relative to caged? Poor kid. She's still hugely important to me.
I kind of like to think of my journals as two trios: atom/iceflake/china into chord/nourish/caged. I think that's a really nice development. I'm proud of it. Sweet maturation.
off to fall asleep without a single trouble and wake up to caged submissions-
chord
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