9:21 p.m. - 05/04/03
:: no matter how far. ::
Sometimes just typing a certain url is a good reminder, a good push in the right direction. Other pushes today include some e-mail communication, an actual shower, more of what resembles real food. I think I'm circumstancially depressed right now, and unfortunately the pharmacy didn't refill my Effexor on time, so now I can only take 1/2 my normal dose tomorrow, which I don't think will help matters. It's been a hard day, but I've gone in and out of bed enough to keep on top of it, and I really think it's just a rough patch. Major homesickness. Grief. It's familiar territory (no pun intended), and I know I can gain the reigns again, even if I can't quite pull through yet. May can only last so long, and with June comes graduation. I'm starting to tell people that I'm not going to Hampshire, that I have indeed, enrolled nowhere for the fall semester. I think that's a good sign. I'm starting to accept (not settle for) my post-graduation plans (or lack thereof.) I know I need to stay and keep working with the doctor. I know I need to go new places, learn new things, become more myself. And I plan to do this. It may start out with phobia-dismantling in a city I know, with self-assigned "courses" supplemented by the city library, et cetera, but it will start. It has already started. The beginnings of who I am are already visible.
And I just had this urge to say I love you, so I did.
I'm starting to feel actual excitement about graduation. For the first time in twelve years, this is pure liberation. It isn't three months of freedom; it's an entire adult life that's mine to mold. And I'm still working on seeing it that way, still learning that I don't have to live the life my parents or mentors or friends want me to live, but I'm starting to be excited. I'll have responsibilities, but I will choose them. I'll have commitments that my heart compelled me to undertake. I will never, ever be enrolled in Neverland again. I claim my freedom*...
And Tracy's picture is, coincidentally, sitting next to me while I write this, and I feel better than I have about graduating in her presence. I hate that she didn't achieve that, but I will live my life- knowing I can't give her anything by sacrificing mine. I'm forgoing commencement, and considering Hogwarts robes as a graduation gown. It'd be an entirely fabulous substitute, especially considering the doctor has taken to calling our work wizard-training. Technically, I'm a witch, but I like being called a wizard, so I haven't corrected him. I'd like to mark more than the classes I completed with this ceremony. I'd like to mark the magic that got me through and the magic that saved me from earlier survivalist methods. I want to commemorate these first few steps toward being myself.
And what do you know, I feel a bit better. Chocolate is a natural seratonin supplement. This is how we know the world is not entirely against us.
chord
*Melissa Ferrick
�
�
