9:10 p.m. - 01/14/02
is self-help helpful? private investigation.
can't close a door. love this loft but can't close a door and still be productive. need to hang a steel curtain at the top of the staircase, need to put a fairy forcefield in place. hey you little parent-people go away. mary don't want to play today. mary's head is on fire with the desire to destroy.
rah.
headache, the girl she says she's got a headache/ what she needs is just a handshake/ squeezing out all the bad excuses she can make -t.b.
listen to the loudest music you can find with that drumguitar mix that sounds similar to razors squeaking against skin (no she promised, contracted, she wouldn't do that again; if only she could contract with her brain to refrain from thinking of these things)
and god wouldn't it be so nice if she could be thryn's little sister short-distance, wouldn't things feel so much simpler then? what are we doing now, adding more pain to the mix and not taking any away; i am a jenga game, they just keep pulling away the safe choices waiting to see me tumble. game over. how many second chances before finality finishes me once and for all?
i don't think tracy knew it would be the last time she swallowed those too-many pills. i don't think she knew, and i promised myself i would not think about this. it is better not to feel these realities, she says; it is better not to turn on shut down turn on shut down turn on shut down...
i don't understand how a girl goes from 24/7 talk-feel time to a couple silly sessions per week - a couple silly sessions where she can't bring herself to speak. i am being charged for e-mails, i don't know how to explain i need more attention that my parents can afford.
i can't do what i really need to be doing right now: (i.e. e-mailing harriet to say that screw-my-mother i am willing to put up with her shit in order to gain the opportunity to deal with mine. i.e. writing down my fears about school so that i don't act on my fantasies of self-destruction...) since i am unable to fulfill this little expectation i've put on myself, i will do what i consider the next best thing and at least do *something* from my little scarred-soul workbook that i've been staring at these past few days.
i will not cut i will not cut i will not burn i will not do this. shh, stop thinking; it is better if you do not feel right now.
lessee...what looks possible? I like this one:
"Activity 7.6: Expressing My Emotions
This exercise will help you identify your feelings and create some methods of expressing them." Yippee. "Since you probably use SIV as a way to release your emotions, knowing how to express these feelings in alternate, healthy ways will prevent you from hurting yourself." I don't believe you. I know all sorts of healthy things I could be doing right now, but the blades are still soooo enticing. *sigh* I feel like I deserve to cut. I feel like everyone else can cut. And what's the harm in it, if I'm still doing all my silly therapeutic things as well? I'm tired of grinding my teeth and trying to get through pain that just keeps building.
"Pages 144 and 145" (that's the next two) "list some common emotions (the left-hand column) and some responses (the right-hand column) - both instinctual and learned- that you may have used or may want to try using as ways to express your emotions.
"In your journal, make a list, pairing emotions that you can identify as having felt in the past (even if you're not sure you have) with an activiy that has or you think might work as a means of expressing that feeling. Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed emotionally, it will be helpful for you to return to the list in your journal" (oooh, I didn't know I got to make a list!) "or the ones here and try at least three ways to release your emotions before considering SIV is an option." Isn't it always an option? Isn't that *the problem?*...oh, they're trying to change my thinking again. Stupid cognitive behavioral therapy.
hmm...
angry - boxing
angry - throwing oranges at the walls
angry - ripping up newspaper
shamed - reading cards
shamed - writing what I'm feeling
shamed - calling someone who doesn't see me as evil
shamed - doing something helpful
sad - crying
sad - writing
sad - listening to music
anxious - breathing
anxious - art
anxious - punching
anxious - singing
afraid - writing
afraid - calling somoene
afraid - sleeping
bored - reading
bored - creative writing
embarrassed - breathing
embarrassed - helping someone
embarrassed - checking out thoughts w/ others
desperate - making lists
desperate - sleeping
desperate - e-mailing
guilty - questioning thoughts
guilty - write
guilty - draw/ doodle
guilty - check out thoughts
hopeless - breathe
hopeless - read something nostalgic/ inspiring
impatient - count
lonely - reach out (e-mail, etc)
lonely - read
lonely - watch an old favorite movie
needy - send nudging-kitten e-mails
(nudging-kitten e-mails are the kind where I'm like, hey we haven't talked in awhile, I love you, I miss you, what I'm not saying is I need your arms *now*...)
overwhelmed - listing problems or goals
overwhelmed - taking a 15-min no-think rest break
overwhelmed - contacting someone and asking for help
trapped - talking
trapped - writing
trapped - screaming
trapped - boxing
worried - breathing
worried - contacting someone "fun"
worried - watching cartoons
inadequate - helping someone
inadequate - writing
inadequate - collaging
inadequate - breathe. ing.
breathe-ing is gooooood.
that's all I feel like doing for now. the truth is list-making is my temporary distraction mechanism. anyone who wants to help mary's no-cutting contract may feel free to e-mail me a survey of questions to answer. (make them up! it's more fun that way! ... oooh. or just tell me you're holding me and let me come up with dumb questions about fairies on my own.)
i'm off to let john use the phone. goodbye cruel world and its non-cruel inhabitants.
chord
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