9:10 a.m. - 02/07/02
circles and circles and circles again.
so much for understanding the lost end of that last dream. I don't think I slept deeply enough to dream last night- or if I did, I don't remember. I woke up in the early a.m. certain I could fall asleep, which was of course mistaken. one should not taunt the sandman with such optimism. thoughts paraded onward until finally I turned on the lamp by my bed and wrote one of those run-on sentences I refer to as poems. I will most likely post it later, since in all likelihood, I will likely never again be socially strong enough to do another reading. ::sigh::
but my sister says I'm fiercely poetic...it's even on the company site, which makes me happy. I asked her if co-founding a dance-poetry-fusion-theater-company disqualifies my whole "I'm nearly 17 and have never had a job; how lazy am I?" theory, and she said it does. most adolescents don't found real theater companies with real projects and real missions. most of them are still stuck on being rock stars and punk poets, right? *shies away* ok, so I am, too...ah well.
after writing the semi-ok piece ("no.one.lost" <--was a much better title at like three a.m.) I came downstairs and proceeded to how'd-you-guess, get on-line, where I read Cami's very beautiful WS Merwin quote, which forced me to send google in search of more of zir wordlings...
here is what I found. this is one of those poems that you read and wish you'd written. if I could give a piece like this to Tracy...or to any of my friends...I wouldn't feel so terminally disappointing.
"Animus"
(by w.s. merwin)
Look soul
soul
barefoot presence
through whom blood falls as though
a water clock
and tears rise before they wake
I will take you
at last to
where the wind stops
by the river we
know
by that same water
and the nights are not separate
remember
...
mmm...it kind of reminds me, lyrically, of "to rabbittown" which was like the best book ever when I was pre-k. I still almost always bring it in when teachers ask for children's books. it's one of those pieces that's just so ... beautiful.
merwin also wrote, "those who believe/ in death have their worship cut out for them" which is, I think, a great deal of what I've been attempting to articulate this past month...is it better to hold a belief in heaven to be shielded from the pain of grief or to risk being overwhelmed by the wave? if one isn't willing to "take arms against" that "sea of troubles" *or* "opposing, end" it (ooh, she's feeling quoty), does that leave only avoidance through psychological denial or misused religion? what's *left?*
just for the amusement of putting Melissa Ferrick and Shakespeare in the same company, I'll say that, "the only way in/ is through/ and I'm trying to get through" - but...the question remains, if this *is* an unbearable burden, if grief is truly *the* impossible task, is it better to falsely secure safety through the distortion of one's personal beliefs, or to prove their truth through ending *life?*
I think this is all the drawn out way of me dealing with the idea that once upon a time a boy told me, "you seem to only 'lean on God' when it's useful to you, and you're going to hell" and I'm still trying to disprove him. I believe in a kind of God. I even believe in Jesus in an avatar-form (a teacher to be learned from but not a god to be worshipped). I believe in the soul and the afterlife of the soul, but I have not since I was a very young child been able to curl my mind around the idea of a person (body, features, character traits) living on after death. and now I *want* to - but I don't want to do so out of fear.
oh, damnit, why can't I be like the rest of the world and say either "she's gone so let's move on" or "she's in a better place"...
sometimes heaven seems like a place where everyone is very old, and when I try to picture Tracy there, I see her squirming, picking at her food, and wanting some dance shoes...
chord
"if you're looking at me, you're seeing my dad/ same power and the might/ my adventure is true, my heart is strong/ this will end in love not fright/ THIS WILL END IN LOVE..."
-Georgie Rock
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