4:15 p.m. - 02/11/02
||>around me like a weed.<
It's getting to be unbearable.
I was right last night, saying that I wrote in the eye of the hurricane, not in the aftermath. Things grew worse, and I was bawling again this morning, trying to gain sense of myself, yet grateful that I was crying, grateful that I was feeling - simply because I could no longer stay two steps ahead of the pain, and to give into it completely was a welcome release. I don't know what to say - the queasiness, headache, physical agony that I have come to mentally refer to as my "stress infection" has returned full form. I feel like one nauseous wave built into human form, and what is left to do about it? The problem, mostly, is that I cannot end the pain without going through it, and going through it seems impossible. How do I survive all of the overwhelming "life" that I've come to understand in the past 24 hours? How do I survive Tracy's death, being stripped of the only home I've ever wanted, seeing the remorseless fuck who molested me marry and have children? How do I survive having no one to talk to most days except the voices in my head, that swirl around until they overwhelm me? How do I survive the risk of my own potential or my own loneliness?
I want to be free, and I am far from it...
I want to survive to fulfill the voices that send me letters like the one I post now, but I don't know how to stop being cold and sick and tired from the weight of my own hopelessness.
"You are so awesome. Hang in there Mary. You'll make it through this and beyond. There is a reason for the struggle... Every time you triumph it strikes a chord that resonates and vibrates through the universe. I believe that the lives of the many are affected by the actions of the individual. Like a web, when a corner is tugged the most distant filiments are moved, or like a bass chord on a cello causes all the instruments in the orchestra to vibrate. I went to a chanting performance given by Budhist Monks which was held in a beautiful old theatre... and the crystal chandeliers were trembling in response to the toning. It was awesome. There are more things in heaven and earth... well you know the rest.
Love you dearly
Laura"
I have more beauty in my life than most people have in their dreams; why does that do so little to quiet the pain?
chord
who loves cellos beyond words
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