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10:05 a.m. - 02/22/02
crazy good ideas in my head.
I have to say this. The past two (three?) days I have had *the best* fucking body image. It's so incredibly crazy. I don't think my perception of myself has changed much, but I'm finally starting to get my ideal-body perception in control. I'm finally starting to convince myself that this little bump or that little widening is supposed to be there. Otherwise it's really hard to walk, or bounce, or whatever else. I'm finally starting to understand that people don't fucking care if my thighs spread out when I'm sitting down or whether or not I look worse in jeans. Who the hell even notices?

*dances in her expletives*

I'm wearing jeans for the second day in a row. This is a very big deal. I rarely even try my jeans on, and whenever I do, I always end up changing. There just too scary. But I'm wearing them for the second day in a row, and I'm looking very nerdy and happy and ok, which is a nice change. It helped that yesterday was 2month tracyness because her body image struggles were so awful, and whenever the thoughts popped into my head, I just glared and growled at them, screaming, "leave me the fuck alone, you friggin murderers!"

and they did. which is significant.

I can tell I'm doing ok because I actually managed to watch the women's free skate yesterday. (I agree with shadowymoon; what the hell is up with calling it "ladies'"?) That's the first Olympic event I've really watched, which isn't abnormal for me, but it is abnormal for me to not freak out that they're going to fall and be brokenhearted for the entire four minutes of a routine, and to not feel completely heartbroken and disappointed for them if they actually do. I know I'm feeling stronger because I expect more emotional strength from the skaters; I don't project my own fragility onto them. So, I must be doing ok.

Though I will admit, even if Michelle Kwan didn't skate near her best last night, I really wanted her to get the gold. She deserves like an honorary gold medal. A lifetime achievement award. I don't usually go for the whole celebrity-icon-idol-thing, but I grew up watching her skate, and every Olympics was incomplete without her on that highest platform. I just hate the idea that someone so persistent and courageous and apparently together could keep getting shafted by fate. But then, Sarah Hughes gave perhaps the best performance I can remember seeing (ever)- she skated like one who gets from point a to b by dancing and leaping and sliding, like she skates first and walks second. She was completely flawless. She could have been animated for how easily she moved, and the thrill inside her was so evident, so contagious; it was just incredible to watch. How often do you see something that is so purely good? And of course, having two days left of sixteen-year-old-ness I felt an affinity toward the sixteen-year-old fourth-place underdog who came to her first Olympics and lived out the artist/athlete dream. To present oneself beyond one's historic best to an audience as thrilled as you are. I mean, Christ, the girl was winged.

I'm so grateful to her for that moment of television. I have so little patriotism, and I was still rooting for Michelle to win just- because- but Sarah's performance earned the medal Michelle's career deserved. I wish I'd seen the short program, so I could know how fair the final placements were. But, god, what viewer didn't grin when Sarah and her coach started shrieking at the news? I like that an adolescent girl can have that power. I like that she's known for something other than a seedy life story set to bad music and serious expressions. I mean, *yeay*.

I have five hours left of "summer" vacation. (Fun saying that in February, yes?) I'm wishing the meeting was over, so that I could skip freaking out over the amount of work I need to make up and just get started on it. I'm sitting here wondering what on earth posessed me to beg for a math class. I mean I really must be unstable. No sane person puts themselves in this mess.

I'm feeling ok. I really am. I mean, my bodyself is taking a little bit of a beating from my sick self, but my heart self and mind self are sticking up for her so that's cool. And I've never not pulled school off...besides which I'm applying to a school which is more interested in who I am than how well I memorize, regurgitate, and forget academic minutiae. So as long as I keep working on who I am, and being her confidently and bravely, I should be ok.

I could be a really cool girl someday.

chord
who took her meds today

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