7:45 p.m. - 11/23/01
jigitty-jig.
Little bit tired right now and a little bit unsure whether I deserve to exist. How those shaming thoughts sneak in...
The four hour drive home was not exactly "just what the doctor ordered" for the nerve pain in my back. I feel like a cripple, except I'm the whiny kind who's not used to the pain. Yeah...
This whole holiday thing was a bit harder than I expected, and I predict it will only get harder, seeing as it was not the expected issues that caused problems. Contrary to popular (and personal) expectation it was not the pilgram (or impending Christian) anniversary that made things difficult. It was *my* impending anniversary, or rather, that of my illness. I can't believe it's almost a year since the first time I purged. I'm proud to have it under control; I went through a lot more anniversaries as an anorexic before stepping up for help, but it's terrifying all the same. The entire region *looks* the way it looked back then, and everywhere are the same invitations, the same gatherings, the same food. I keep having flashbacks to nights I'd forgotten right before that first purge. It's really overwhelming, and I don't know who to tell. Maybe I can talk about it with the psych tomorrow, or at inpatient on Monday.
The last time I drove in the dark this time of night, I was coming home to Red from an outing. It's hard to pull into the wrong driveway and bunk for the night.
Or for life. What's left of it...
I'm in major red-withdrawal, and I'm beating myself up for it because I realize immeshment isn't healthy...but loving damn well is.
chord
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