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8:50 a.m. - 04/11/02
i'm a miracle. my stories have none of that.
Mornings like this, it's really hard to take my meds. I woke up early, I'm wearing clothes that produce comments, I feel post-eating-disordered...in other words, all is well with the world, and then I have to go to the windowsill, and pour one white pill and three peach capsules into my hand. It makes a girl feel sick, and on the mornings when I like to think of myself as healthy feeling sick is not a happy thing. I *know* these are necessary, I *know* I'm using them to control my chemicals so I'm *not* sick, and I *know* what happens to most people when they think, "Oh, I'm doing pretty well now; I want to go off my meds" - but it doesn't take away that moment of, "But you don't understand, I'm not like that now!"

And in reality, I've been way to swingy in my moods lately to even consider weaning from the meds as an option. Not to mention that the anxiety med is still majorally importante, and I'm guessing the anti-dep is too...most days it doesn't even bother me to take them (except that the Buspar is iiiiiicky) but every now and again, I just look in my hand and I see these four pills, and then I see my dad's hand with the whole rainbow of pills, and I think, "what the fuck am I doing?"

But taking care of an illness does not mean turning into one's father. Right? I mean, staying on prescribed medication (which I have never jumped to take...I was one of very few people not on all kinds of sleeping and OTC meds at RED) does not say anything derrogatory or prophetic about my life. I know this. I just feel weird that I take 225 mg of Effexor a day. That's not exactly placebo-ish.

And, just while we're asking questions, why is it that grapefruit makes my mouth numb? I'm guessing it's the acid or something, but it does weird things to my tongue. Reminds me of when I was little and took this little pink pill called Nolamine (I didn't even know what it was for: allergies, I believe...one of the 'maybe this will fix her stomach!' failures). I couldn't swallow pills so I would either chew or (later) crush it...either way my mouth and throat would turn numb. They took it off the market eventually; I never knew why.

(Maybe *that's* what went wrong...)

I did get up at 7 this morning as planned (though I did not set my alarm...that's even yeay-er). And it's been going really well, though I do feel all sorts of sleepy now. I might have to nap a little (no! no!) just to get my homework done. Or I might have to not get my homework done. I don't think it will be a big deal either way. I've never woken up from a nap with a migraine, and I've never gotten in trouble with this Teach for not having work done. (Because I pretty much always have work done.) Besides, the only thing left after this work is the test, and I'm not ready to take that test, so if I don't finish, it's not a big deal. I'll still need more time to prepare.

I read something inspiring and something irritating this morning. I know the latter is not a big deal and it really shouldn't bother me, (it is after all just a diary ring)...but it does (bother me). She makes good points, but I really believe that everything you do is a statement. If you're going to say something, speak up; if you're going to do something, don't do it halfway. (The extremist code of honor.) I don't like it when people say something, gauge the reaction, and say "I was just joking." Which is not what she does here. But I don't think it makes sense to say it's only a diary ring, when- as such -it is something in the universe with energy and even if that's new-agey and silly, it bugs me that she's basing maturity on age versus experience. Yes, I will be cooler (in many ways) when I am 20, just as I will be cooler (in many ways) when I am 30, and so forth. However, that has to do with my openness to change (ha!), my observations and self-awareness, and my willingness to evolve. It does not have to do with the number of candles on my birthday cake. Those are *relative* to the amount of opportunities I've had to change, but they are not mutually definitive. You can be 50, have never utilized an opportunity for change, and irritate the crap out of me - or - you can be 9, have utilized every single opp. and completely blow me away. It happens.

I don't mind if someone wants to judge me based on the qualities I have or the labels I give (personally) to those qualities; (ok, I *mind* but not so much) only, judge the qualities, not the group. I am unique- meaning, if I do think my parents are evil, I do so for my own reasons, and if you want to hate that about *me* fine, but don't think "it's just because she's a teenager; I hate teenagers."

I'll have you know my parents drive my 20+ siblings up the same wall.

And this has turned into a stupidly self-righteous babblement about something that should never have taken up cyberspace (this entry, not the ring) so I'm going to move on now and update in the way I hate to do where I say stupid things that are happening, rather than give broad philosophical ponderments for the enjoyment of my sparse readership.

-I realized that Dixie will probably approach marriage very simply (as in, it will probably be a partnership intended for mutual good, and she probably *isn't* expecting some big romantic fairy tale) in which case, it might work well for her. It might be a decent investment, so to speak, and she might be happy, and so long as she's happy, I'm happy for her. Should that change, I'll do whatever I can to kidnap her away from the boyman. (Not that it isn't still fucked up that one of my peers is married. I can barely process that they're *driving.*)

-No word from Dr. R. on whether the Potential Therapist will accept me into her full practice. I'm doing my best to find outlets other than therapy and not be dependent on talking...something I've been doing for awhile (seeing as I didn't always feel relieved after a visit with Harriet, and I learned at RED that you can do the work 24/7, you don't have to wait for that hour or two a week...)

-24/7 is probably one of those stupid teenage phrases she doesn't like.

-I called Jenna, though no one was home, and I did leave a message on her machine (the second time.) I don't like the way I sounded; I had my little voice- the one people think is 'so cute' ... the one that makes me sound all submissive and bendable. It's Jenna, for Christ's sake. I should have just been like, "Hey, GERL. I'm completely crazy missing you. Call me?" None of this whimpery, whispery silliness. There are worse things, obviously, then misrepresenting oneself on a telephone, but it still bothers me that *that* voice came out. Urgle.

-If she doesn't call me back, I probably can't call her again. Because I don't want to be a naive little stalker-freak. But I really wish she'd just tell me what's going on. I'd be a lot better about dealing with Whatever Is if I knew conclusively the whys and wherefores.

(Does anyone else care that that's redundant?)

-I have issues with attachment, but not the way Harriet thought. I have issuese with attachment in the "I want you all and I can't possibly give everything I have to all of you and if anyone leaves then I'm completely alone" sort of way. It reminds me of when I first became suicidal (slowly, in middle school) ... I realized I was the youngest in my family, and if people left the world in the order they came in, I would end up 90 and alone. I knew it was selfish, but I thought they could handle grieving me, and there was no way I could handle grieving them. It was a solution. I don't hold to it now, but I still remember the feelings well enough that when I was down by the pond yesterday asking myself why on earth I had all these tears for a girl I barely know, I thought of it and sobcried.

-I don't like the pond much. It's pretty but not very secluded, and you can see the house, so you don't feel escaped.

-Oh, and...Hilda Dolittle is god.

chord

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