8:55 p.m. - 04/27/02
you read this. you poor dear.
It hasn't been such an awful day, but goodness for 9:00, I *am* exhausted. These new meds are heavensent, but they do make me tired, and I'm not sure if they're related to the many many nightmares I've been having (brutal little dreams)...but still, when a migraine is coming on, and I take a little orange pill and cut the pain to 1/6 of its normal capacity, not to mention find a way to leave the house, I'll deal with being sleepy. Besides, it's been a rainy Saturday, so who wouldn't be a bit ready to curl up for pajama time?
I saw Tammy today. Dunh-dunh-dunnnnh. I have been absolutely dreading this appointment, though I've tried to keep that dread as low-key as possible. I'd been going over the possible scenarios again and again in my head, trying to figure out how I was going to respond when she told me that I'd lost weight, and told my parents I'd lost weight, and the entire we-trust-Mary world collapsed. Of course, I had no legitimate reason to think that I had lost weight; I've just been stressed and eating semi-oddly because of that, but I have not been restricting, and despite many urges, I still have not purged. So, I really shouldn't have been surprised, when we came back from the little room, and I could barely look up from anxiousness, and she just grinned and said, "You're maintaining." Relief!
Maintaining can be two pounds up or down, and I have a theory about which direction it might be...but...it really is ok. I was just so relieved to be stable still, in spite of how stressful things have been. And she seemed so happy. I had told her about some of the shit that's going down, like when my dad left for a week and my mom decided he wasn't coming back, and I think she was as relieved as I was. Looking up at her as she smiled, I felt really proud. Like maybe I don't suck so much for fighting this.
(Sometimes being at the dietician is hard because I think about all the other people who come who are where I used to be, and I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But I think I have the only dietician in the entire universe that an eating-disordered girl can leave feeling *better* about things. I was seriously miraculously transformed in those 45 minutes...)
I realized on the way home that I need to talk (or write) to her about what happened with Harriet because I don't feel right with her outside that loop. I don't know what Dr. R has told her about what happened, or what Harriet has perhaps told her (I'm sure they have other clients in common)...and I know from experience that if I give Tammy my side of the story, she'll trust it - not that she'll throw out the other perspectives, but she won't let them disprove my own experience. I also need to tell Dr. R to communicate better with Tammy about the work that we're doing because that was one of the really great things about Harriet (her ability to keep the team informed), and he might need some coaxing, but I need that.
I went there today as well, though it was just to kill time. My parents had an appointment, and they didn't want to drive all the way back home to take me to Tammy's. I read my Rousseau book and mused about my likes and dislikes of him; he's kind of whiny and self-indulgent by this point...but then, he was basically exiled, so you've got to cut him some slack. Anyway, it's interesting; I'd like to read some of his earlier work- definitely The Social Contract and maybe Emilie, so I can understand him further. I think it's good for me to read things like this, philosophy. It helps me work out how to have an opinion. I can decide what I think of him, where I agree and where I don't, and learn how to articulate it. It's a very small step toward crediting my own ability to make decisions and define my own experience.
I guess that's about all I know. I sent out two issues of the zine today- but I had to wait on stamps for a couple others. And I would talk about my thoughts on Erfurt, but I'm just not up to it right now. Plus, I'd really like to have one night's sleep tonight that's completely nightmare-free. It may be asking a lot, but I just can't handle any more mid-night cardiac aerobics. My chest felt like a trampoline last night, the way my heart was bouncing around. Very not cool.
I need to go find some very soft clothes to sleep in. It's one of those "surely a well-thought-out sweats combo can be equal to an all-night hug" moments...I would do something *really really hard* to have one minute in the RC office right now...
But then, how awful would it be when that minute was up? *shudder* I guess I'll just call. Soon. I promised myself I'd call by Cinco de Mayo if not sooner. Don't want to disappear on them again.
I can't believe you poor people actually read this...
chord
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