8:50 p.m. - 06/15/02
} - regretfully, only three simple things to say. - {
I survived the night. though it was quite a bit more difficult than I thought it would be. I stayed up 'late' watching The Manhatten Project and went to sleep in my old bedroom. it was odd to sleep in there, considering that I felt so close to where I was when I first came home, and I can't count the number of times I watched the night go by feeling a similar mixture of insanity and homesickness.
I slept for nearly 12 hours and woke up sick. I almost wish I feel the way I do right when I go in for my labs. I want them to check all the levels when I feel this ill, and I want to feel like there's a reason to be there in the first place, even though in this much pain, I'll probably throw a fit and beg to go home.
I just want them to find something. I don't care what it is right now, so long as it isn't life-threatening. I just want to be able to do something about the way my stomach and my head and my skin and all the rest of me feels. I want to wake up from this exhaustion.
my parents will be home in a few hours, and I have a little cleaning to do. I should finish it up before I write anymore; otherwise I'll get caught up in this, and they'll come home to soup cups in their bedroom and an unmade bed. not that they'll care. but I do.
ok. cleaning basically completed. what else do I have to say?
I'm beating myself up a little right now for the lack of intrigue in this entry, which is part of what led me to close the journal the last time. I shouldn't be caring if you people are bored; it's my journal. and actually, nothing exciting has happened that deserves to be talked about. except that I've had some really lovely e-mails from Heather and my brother Joe, and I laughed my head off reading a story H and I coauthored back in seventh grade. it has me thinking about school again and wondering how to balance a town that nearly destroyed me with citizens I love so dearly. I may need to start a weblog for my school memories, a place where I can just jot down the random happy or not so happy pieces that pop into my head. I'm so confused right now. I worry e-mailing Scott because I feel like I can't possibly be good enough for him and I worry e-mailing Heather because I feel like I won't give her enough and the relationship will just fall apart.
and then I remember that Heather and I were always so simple. we were always just about keeping up each other's morale and making each other laugh crazily. the mail we send has nothing to do with the substance of our lives; it's all about how to most amuse ourselves. and is that really such a horrible thing to continue? is it really so awful to maintain a relationship with someone even though it isn't the same kind of relationship as the others you condone?
I don't know.
I'm freaked about telling Scott about the parts of Neverland that were so painful, and at the same time, I can't imagine him being anything but supportive, even if he doesn't relate. I'm just generally confused about how you negotiate loving people who associate with a world that was so soul-crushing. my own little hometown version of stockholm syndrome.
not so much.
it's just confusing. how can people I love disown me- how can I love people who hurt me? the majority of the people I'm inviting into my life- Scott, for instance- were *not* part of the 'bad' neverland, but when I start to think about these exceptions, I start to think about everyone else, and I do so in such a kind light that fitting together the good with the bad becomes basically impossible. how do I balance a desperate need to go back and hug all my friends with a desperate need to stay as far away from that community as possible?
and why why why is it like this? arg. I'm not making any sense. I'm going away now.
chord
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