6:40 a.m. - 06/29/02
more recovery.
the mri I'm getting on my head is an open one, so I should not have to experience a premature heart attack (yeay)- though I will probably remain rather paranoid until someone calls to make *sure* that this is not some sort of tanning-bed experience, and mildly paranoid until the appointment is just OVER...
oh! I found pictures. it's just a rather large piece of equipment over my head. I can handle this. provided it doesn't fall and break my head. see. *mildly* paranoid.
it seems like eating disorder pride, eating disorders generally, and external motivation to lose weight is everywhere. maybe this is because I live in America, or maybe it's because recovery at the moment is less than breezy. it's so odd to me that things can be positively wrenching, and I'm still abstinent from ED behavior. I feel a little need to "prove" how bad things are, or how bad I feel, even now, but that can't convince me to start purging again, to not eat my food, or to exercise obsessively. I'm lucky that I have such a wonderful psychiatrist, someone who asks how I am instead of how I'm doing. it's important that I can be struggling without being actively eating-disordered. it's important for me to know that I have an eating disorder even when I'm 'free' of the behavior. even though I hate having it, I need to know I do. because one of ED's tricks is to tell me that I'm not sick anymore, to upset me into proving it with behavior.
there will come a time when e-diets and pro-ED advertising will have no direct effect one me. there will come a time when I can stumble across a trigger and dismantle it without backlash. there *has* come a time when I can be triggered to hell and back again without acting out of pain. I know that ed only brings more pain, more problems, more to deal with. I know how to ward off the false alternatives offered by the ED long enough to apply constructive ones. I hope the shit surrounding me is always upsetting- I hope it upsets *everyone* to the point we'll want to do something- but I can't do anything if I end up hating myself just because d*land is a haven of pro-ed and e-diets has more banner time each day...I have to stay strong because the alternative sucks.
which is not to say a person isn't strong if they're engaging in a disorder. they're just sick. and have to find the help that works for them. unfortunately, Ed is readily available, and Ed is never the help that works.
last night when I got home from the medic. doctor, I was so upset in the currents of me, and I didn't know how to voice it to parents who, while also angry, could not understand. I took a bike ride, no longer than I ever take, and I came back feeling exhausted and glad that I had taken only the normal route, no more. feeling glad that I could bike now and just have it be about the movement and the knowledge 'I can get away'...I came here; I didn't know what I was going to say, and I found that letter forming, and all of a sudden I was saying no, with my fingers, with my action, no as loudly as I could say it. and the night kept going on, and I kept going with it, and suddenly my body didn't even feel out of reach anymore. gradually, I wasn't even out of control. I went to bed early, I didn't sleep well, I'm not "ok" (fine and dandy) but I'm better than I would be if last night, after ten months' carefully spent, I'd gone back for even a minute. it's ok to make mistakes- messing up now and again doesn't mean I'm who I was a year ago- but all the same, if there's one person who, an hour later or at next day's ride, is GLAD Ed didn't win, it's me.
I had this memory last night of what it was like to eat a cookie and be happy because it tasted good. not because eating a cookie was an achievement but because it tasted good. I can't believe how long it's been this way. I can't believe how painful it is to feel in need of an ED, and I can't believe how capable I am of refusing it even when it seems to know better.
I wish there was a way to tell everyone they're capable of this.
I wish I had someone with me who was further along than I am, someone who had a similar experience. Some eating disorders are so different; I just wish I could talk with someone who would understand and be a bit of a mentor/ sponsor/ or the suchlike. Until then, I'll be reading Something Fishy when I can, and trying to keep in mind that I have an address book of friends and one of them is bound to be home...
chord
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