11:45 p.m. - 07/01/02
>quickest girl in the frying pain.<<<<
this is the closest I've been admittedly awake near midnight in awhile. my first thought was 'no rest for the wicked' but it isn't about punishment - not so much as it's about the crashing of a thought against itself over and over again. there's just this one wave in my head refusing to break. this one song in my head refusing to not play.
last night I dreamed of men with double-sized faces, tall cones like pins upon their heads. I dreamed of boys violent and loving- and heroes who wore stethoscopes. there was a baby curled over the wooden bar of a fence; some woman left her there to freeze, and as I carried her to safety, I felt the icicles that made her insides breaking in my hands. I ran into a store and they began to boil water to warm her, but then someone realized that the stove was on, and would boil the baby; they ran to save her. my aunt was there- she offered to take me home...I lied and said my violent/loving foster brother had gone to get our parents- really I just wanted to make sure the child (who would then transform into a cat) was seriously ok. and earlier or later I was talking to dumbledore in snape's classroom, and the only thing keeping the villain in question from ripping off my head was the presence of old albus at my side...
with all this to look forward to, why would my body be so resistent to sleep tonight? why on earth would it care to play with words in this white box rather than watch images blast through the blood vessels, leaving illness in their wake? I'm not trying to make sense; no, I am, but it's not working.
this is all a bunch of words trying to keep me from saying that maybe the reason I can't handle my helplessness is because once upon a time there was this girl I didn't save. no matter what I do or don't do for you or anyone else, no matter what effort I put in or what accomplishments I make, no matter what, she will still be gone. once upon a time there was a girl, and I feel like I may as well have been the one to kill her.
can that still be normal after six months...?
chord
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